When Severe Physical Limitations Restrict Normal Living...

This past weekend was my sister Leanne's wedding.  She was a stunning and radiant bride, and I am so thankful that despite my poor health, I was able to go.  However, because of my poor health, there were many things I was not able to do at the wedding: I was supposed to be in the wedding party, but had to step down because I would not have been able to manage that; I wanted to contribute by helping with wedding preparations, set up, clean up, etc but I was not able; I wanted at least to catch up with friends and family at the wedding and reception but I was so unwell, I could hardly stand, let alone hold a conversation. 

Those were just a few of the limitations I lived with this past weekend.  In everyday life, there are far more.  I do not do well in situations where there are lots of people, lights, sounds, smells, activity.  Lately, I seem to be suffering from neurological problems, possibly even epileptic-like episodes/seizures.  I feel like my brain starts flickering; I get very confused; although I am kind of aware of my surroundings, I struggle to communicate even simple things like 'help me'; I start to twitch uncontrollably; my eyesight seems to be affected somehow; my heart starts to beat rapidly; and I am rendered completely incapacitated.  As I have mentioned before, I also struggle with severe sensitivities to food, chemicals, fragrances; I suffer a great deal of widespread body pain; I am often fighting debilitating fatigue; my concentration levels are severely limited; I am very weak and unable to exert very much energy (thus unable to walk very far, or do very much - it can be even difficult to manage a smile when happy). 

These things obviously interrupt my daily life - my ability to function as normal people function.  However, these things also have also had drastic implications on my ambitions, hopes and dreams.  I wanted to be a missionary, or in full-time ministry helping the needy.  I wanted to help my husband in some kind of kids outreach program.  I wanted to do lots of activities with my daughter, and even start learning how to homeschool.  I wanted to pursue courses in nutrition or in Biblical counseling.  Now I know that even if my health had allowed me to pursue these things, I would not have been able to accomplish them all.  I just wanted to give you an idea of what has been given up, or put on hold.

We all have disappointments in life.  We all have hopes and dreams that have had to be given up.  We have all faced a set of circumstances that has changed the course of our lives.  I wanted to share what God has been teaching me at this time, and hopefully be an encouragement to you.

Although life is not the way I thought it would be, I presently know a great deal of peace and joy.  No, it is not always easy, and frustration and bitterness especially creep in on the days when there's extreme pain.  I hate pain, and do not like living with it.  However, for the most part, presently I am not frustrated or bitter about the lot that God has given to me.  Although my hopes and dreams were good, God is teaching me that accomplishing great things is not what life is all about.  Life is about submission to God's will, and loving Him no matter what life He call us to.  Even Jesus Christ prayed 'Not my will, but Yours be done.'  Jesus had more right than any of us to make demands.  But instead, He submitted to God and died a cruel and shameful death on a cross.  I know peace about my limitations and failed hopes and dreams because I know that God's purpose is being done in my life, even in my sickness.  God is graciously granting me the privilege of persevering through difficulty, so my life may be a testimony of faith to Him.  I still trust and love Him when everything I wanted to do has been taken away from me.  This glorifies God, and right now, this glorifies Him more than what I could 'do' for Him. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2