Brain Fog

For a long time now my thinking processes have been getting murky.  But just like pain and fatigue, this symptom is not easily evident to people outside of myself.  Even my husband, who is intimately acquainted with me, does not quickly remember this hindrance in me.

In the medical realm, this slowness of mind is called brain fog.  So if you consider the difference between driving on a sunny day but the sun is not glaring, when there are no clouds, the roads are dry, and it's smooth sailing versus driving on a cloudy day at dusk with a thick billowing fog and it's far from smooth sailing.  You may still get to your destination on the foggy day (with perhaps a couple breaks along the way, in hopes the fog will lift) but it was far more complicated and even dangerous than when you could see clearly on the sunny day all that was going on around you (the cars in front, behind, beside, pedestrians, animals, road signs, etc.).  That pretty well describes my experience in my mind.  I have difficulty seeing clearly in my mind, and then have difficulty expressing myself clearly.  I'll sometimes swerve to the left or the right in my thoughts, and not quite know how to get back on track and communicate what I wanted to.  Often I struggle to answer questions clearly, or it takes a lot more time to figure out answers to questions that should be obvious.

My memory is greatly affected as well.  My memory is shot - I can't remember the intersection I live at, or I can't remember the name of the church down the street.  I can't remember big details and small details.  I reach and reach and reach, and the process is exhausting, but still can't seem to find in my fog the information I was looking for.  I will confess that on one occasion I even forgot my name, and referred to myself by my sister Leanne's name (Leanne can testify to the truth of this, and laughs at me to this day!!!).  At least now when I forget somebody's name (which is frequently), I can say 'Don't worry, I have even forgotten my own name!'

In the last couple months, I have started jumbling my words.  And I'm trying to remember specific incidences, and am having difficulty grabbing at them.  Last night I was talking to Sony, explaining to him that I think I have been having especially bad days because the mety heavals don't want to come out of me.  What I meant was heavy metals (I am taking some medication to help eliminate heavy metals toxins from my body, but since taking them my body has crashed rather severely).  I had to call my husband to remind me what I had said - to further prove my difficulty of mind!  I do this word scramble quite a bit, but trying to remember other specific occasions is seriously giving me a headache.

The days of being able to know exactly what I want to say and how to say are long gone.  Some days are worse than others.  Some days I'm completely paralyzed in my mind, being unable to communicate anything.  Sony can ask me what's wrong, and my body is screaming with pain, but I am somehow incapable of expressing this to him.  You'd think it wouldn't be so difficult to at least say 'I hurt' or 'I'm in pain'.  Sometimes it's so bad that, Sony can even try asking me specifically, 'Are you in pain?' and I still don't know what to say.  On less severe days, I am able to express myself, but it might take extra time to express myself.  If I give a quick response, it is often not the most accurate response, because I have not taken the time to search in my fog for the most accurate response.  When trying to encourage someone, I can make a real jumble of it, because I don't know how anymore to say the correct soothing and uplifting words.  There are many times when a new person is trying to get to know me and asking me all kinds of questions when I fail to be able to respond in like fashion and return the questions to them.  I'm too exhausted from the effort it has taken to remember and form my answers to the those questions.

My husband tells me I write these blog entries too well, that I sound too normal, and don't seem to have any difficulty to think clearly.  But it does take me time to work out my sentences, and to pull out the words from my head.  Plus, for some reason, it has always been easier to think through my fingers.  Communication through speech seems far more abstract to me, and thus far more difficult.  Well, that scratches at least the surface of my difficulties in my brain.  Hopefully that will help you understand if I ever seem kind of stupid, slow, or rude in conversation.

A Rescue Mission - Thankful for Friends

I've shared in a couple posts how the past week has been incredibly difficult and lonely.  Well, the problems of the week were exacerbated by plumbing issues.  Our toilet flooded the bathroom floor and when Sony tried to plunge it, the sewage water then flooded our shower.  The bathroom was a disaster.  The plumber came in and thankfully fixed the problem (at least for now) but our washroom was still disgusting.

I was having one of those days where I was too weak to make it out to the mail box, let alone try and mop up that ugly mess. My husband had been up half the night with me, and then with Karalise, so I knew he wouldn't be up for the job.  Again, I was overwhelmed and helpless (that seems to be my theme for the week).

But praise God for my friends Phil and Karissa who came over and rescued us.  Phil entertained Karalise while also managing to tidy our disaster living room.  Meanwhile, Karissa bravely tackled the nasty washroom, thoroughly mopping, scrubbing and drying the floors and shower.  Then we had a nice little time of fellowship with them over dinner.

It was just a small scale disaster, only requiring a good mop up, but it was far beyond my capacity to deal with.  I was done in.  I suspect that if these friends hadn't come in, I would have been a sobbing mess, and the washroom would have remained a disaster for several days.

Thank you very much, Phil and Karissa.  And thank you Lord for providing merciful help in just the right time.

Sacrifices of Peoples with Broken Bodies

Naively I hoped for some improvement for today.  My plan was to go apple picking with a dear friend.  But I woke early (more than once) and have not been able to return to sleep.  My body is raging at me with pain, and I only manage to get around by tripping around the apartment.  I was thankful I some how caught the jar of soup I almost dropped, as I was heating some for breakfast.  The thought of trying to clean up shattered glass mingled with spilled stock and veggies bewilders me.

I have had 5 long days of getting up and forcing my body into at least minimal action so I can care for Karalise.  Some days I am so weak and with so much pain, I go into her with tears in my eyes.  I hate that, but they come unbidden.  My spirit is overwhelmed within me.  It breaks my heart to see the tears fall down Karalise's face as she can't understand why I am crying.  I suspect today will be one of those days, since tears have already been in my eyes for the last hour.

Usually Saturday's are my day of rest.  My break from the long, lonely weeks.  My husband is usually home, and he lets me rest in bed as long as I need.  But today, I felt it was more important that he serve others, so I am alone.  I'm disappointed my strength has waned, keeping me from my apple picking plans.  My heart faints at the thought of the long hours ahead.  Guilt washes over me as I consider another dreary day for my daughter, another day where mommy is too sick to play and laugh and teach.

But one thought gives me joy.  I may be too sick to be of any use to anyone, but at least I can give up my needs for help from my husband in preference for others.  So today, I do not suffer in vain.  I suffer so others may be blessed.  I hope God is able use my frailty in this way.

I have a dear friend suffering with similar pains and fatigue as I am.  Today she uses all the strength she can muster to go out and pray for people.  In her difficulties, she is learning it's the time spent on eternal matters that is really important.  She doesn't have much, but what she does have she gives with all her might.  May God richly bless her today, and bless those she ministers to.

It may seem like some people are useless lumps in their weakness, but there are things they can do for God's glory, according to the strength given to them - whether it is to suffer loneliness and helplessness so others can be comforted and helped, or whether it is to expend all the little energy they have to minister in simple ways to other broken people.

P.S. My attempt to let my husband help failed.  He felt I was in such terrible state that he is now coming home, and won't be helping.