Learning Joy in Suffering

Just when I thought I could not bare any further suffering, this past week brought deep emotional pain.  A loved one desperately hurt me.  I thought it was the last straw.  I was already getting no sleep, already fearfully agonized with pain, already laden down with cares.  I seriously thought God desired to crush me.

What I have learned is that God, in His mercy, did desire to crush me...to crush my sinful nature and continue His work to make me more like Christ.  In the midst of this very painful refining time, where God burned away more and more of my selfishness and sin, God gave me much grace.  He gave me one friend in particular who held my hand through the week so I wouldn't sink utterly into despair.  He gave different pastors to speak truth, hard truth, but loving truth to my heart so I might press on in my faith.  He gave other friends to pray with me and weep with me.  I have learned I am not utterly abandoned.  God has bestowed much grace.

Lessons of Joy I am Learning in the Midst of these Sufferings:

• It is far better to suffer and die to self than to live in comfort and continue to live for self.  I wanted happiness.  I wanted to live happily with my family, aquire a small home, live in close knit community with my church, offer my gifts up to God, be hospitable, travel in order to enjoy God's creation, etc.  I wasn't seeking riches, fame, or evil things.  I was seeking good things, but God placed in my life the great discomfort of physical and emotional pain to teach me to yearn for Him first and foremost.  Anything that is treasured more than God is idolatry.  And those idols are empty.  The joy of life, true joy, comes only through God.  We must always delight first in the Creator, not first in the gifts of His creation.
• As I learn to love with the grace of Christ, forgiving and blessing those who hurt me as Christ has forgiven me, I learn all the more the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me on the cross.  He bore my shame, He bore the wrath of God for my sake, although I was seeking anything but Him and although I continue to sin against Him.  Jesus Christ's love for me has come at great cost, it has been given to me at the cost of His very life.  I can rejoice in the pain of loving those who hurt me most because then I see ever more clearly what love Christ has for me.
• Every added pain, every added sickness, every added loss makes me vividly aware that I am just passing through on this earth.  My home is in heaven.  My love for the world grows less, and my anticipation to see Christ face to face grows more intense. 

At first glance, these lessons may not seem very joyful, but they are indeed!!!  Through these trials, God is revealing Himself to my heart, and nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to knowing Him.  Though it is difficult, I can say I rejoice in these trials because God has used them to show me Himself.  May He grant this bruised reed the grace to love Him.

Yearning for God, but Afraid to Trust Him

I recently read through some of the Psalms.  I was especially taken with Psalm 40, 42 and 91.  It is amazing how well they speak of how I feel and what I am experiencing with my current struggles with Lyme Disease.  I feel attacked on all sides, betrayed, vulnerable.  It is wonderful to have such comfort from God, to read that He is my fortress and my salvation.  Reading these Psalms brings to my mind memories of sweet times in the past I have spent with Him.  I can honestly say that the very best times of my life have been the times I have spent with God - playing the piano, praying on a mountain or on a farm in the city or by the water, praising Him along with others, or sharing with others of His goodness.  Nothing on earth can possibly compare to these precious moments I have had with my Lord.

However, as I read these beautiful Psalms, and longed for those sweet times of old, something in my heart was distant from God.  I realised something has changed, and now I am afraid to trust God.  I have suffered such intense pain, such brutal terrors of night, such loneliness, helplessness and day after day of more and more disability.  In those days I have prayed to God, pleading for grace, for a little relief, or if nothing else, at least that small whisper of love only He is able to give.  I heard nothing.  And now I wonder if I am rejected, lost to God.  Please don't misunderstand, I do appreciate those blessings of 'common grace' I know He bestows.  I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me lovingly and faithfully.  I have a beautiful healthy daughter who has been a happy and easy baby.  Although we do struggle financially, we have not yet been completely sunk.  And in the last couple months much help has been provided.  I know God has been good to me though I suffer.  Furthermore, I do not want to doubt God.  Every day I seek Him.  Every day I yearn for those sweet days of old.  I want renewed to me the joy of my salvation.  It's just that my heart is scared.  I poured out my soul to God, I sought Him with tears, and that simple request, that longing just for a whisper of love was denied.  I am hurt.  I am confused.  I am finding it difficult to reconcile why God remained distant during my most desperate hours.  I can cry with the Psalmist 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me!' 

As Christians, we have a lot mixed up.  For some reason we forget all those warnings of suffering in Scripture.  And in the midst of our suffering, we forget all the beautiful passages which describe how suffering is used to make us more into the image of Christ.  So although my heart is having difficulty trusting God, I will continue to pursue Him, and ask Him to know my frame and understand that I am but dust.  I will plead with Him day after day to teach my heart to trust Him until I one day enjoy those sweet times of fellowship with Him again.

Lyme and Struggles with Envy

Lyme disease is a terrible disease.  It causes havoc in the body you don't want to even imagine.  It threatens even one's sanity, as pain, neurological damage, insomnia, and all kinds of other bodily dysfunction invade every moment of life.  It is even more terrible because it is largely misunderstood and unknown.  Although in many ways it would be preferable to have cancer, cancer patients get a lot more compassion, help and medical support.  I have a friend recently diagnosed with cancer, and she came to visit me and was horrified by how disabled I have become.  She said she is doing much better than I.

As I live from day to day, I am seeking grace from God to accept this disease and its damage on my life.  I am seeking to be content with my circumstances, and thankful for the opportunity to grow in faith.  However, this is a war like none other.  Despair, envy, fear, anger, and a slew of other emotions wage war in my heart and mind.  Today, my struggle is with envy.  I have to fight, but I have so little strength, and I feel so sick (nauseous, all encompassing pain all over, weakness, etc.) it feels nearly impossible.

Why envy?  Perhaps it is obvious to you, perhaps not.  If you have ever suffered, you might understand.  I live in a basement apartment.  We are very thankful for this spacious place God has provided us with.  However, we are financially tremendously burdened.  Both Sony and I have jobs that are not as prosperous as some.  Now I am unable to work.  Even without all the added extra expenses we incur due to my illness, we would not likely be able to afford our own place in the GTA.  But we do have all those tremendously weighty extra expenses.  It is by God's grace that we aren't completely sunk financially.  That is why we are in a basement apartment.  Now consider my fatigue, my pain, my condition which continues to plummet.  Probably the one most important thing for me at this time is getting enough sleep.  Sadly, insomnia also comes with Lyme.  It used to be I could sleep through noise.  Now, even a pin drop wakes me up (and that's with ear plugs!!!).  Our landlords are gracious people, but they need to live upstairs.  This means no sleep for me.  It's getting better at night, but that does mean when my Lyme insomnia keeps me awake at night as it frequently does, I don't have the freedom to sleep at all during the day...no matter how often I try...and I try every day.  Today I feel especially sick, nausea seeming to flood through my veins, even my limbs (don't ask how that's possible).  But in these moments when I most need sleep, desperately need sleep, I am trapped in a basement apartment where sleep is not possible.  I don't have the freedom to sleep.  Such a basic freedom, but it illudes me.

And this is where envy enters.  So you see, my envy is not so much a matter of wanting bigger and better.  It's a matter of being desperate for a basic need, as important as food itself.  In these moments I am flooded with desire for my own house - a house because I can make a little sleep cave free from noise for myself more effectively in a house than in a condo or townhouse.  Then rushing into my mind are thoughts of all those friends who have houses, but have the health to sustain them to live in an apartment such as mine.  I want to want their houses.  I ask God why those who really need such things are denied.  I consider all the others like me who are sick.  They are too sick to work, too sick to get treatments they need, too sick to even have a place conducive to healing.  It's a vicious circle.  We are sick, thus financially strapped, and thus unable to afford what we need to get better so we get even sicker.  I just want to live!  But sickness = getting sicker. 

I am obviously very happy for any of my friends who are able to afford such blessings.  But I have to confess that it is a struggle, because I see so clearly how much improvement I could enjoy if I just had something as simple as freedom to sleep.  God has been gracious, and my landlords will be going to Australia for several months come September.  I just have to somehow survive 2 more months.  But ever present in my mind are those who do not enjoy such hope...they are stuck, and their health is declining faster than ever.  Please pray for us, pray for our hearts, as we are incredibly physically weak and ripe for temptation.  We desire to honour God and learn contentment, but the road ahead seems nearly impossible.