Update: Probably Moving Again

Life continues to present challenges.  I continue to ask for your prayers.  Thank you for all the prayers you have offered for us thus far.  I am continuing to struggle with my health.  Plus, due to financial limitations, I will have to discontinue the treatments I have been receiving from my holistic doctor, Dr. Krop.  These treatments have helped me a bit - neurological/epileptic symptoms are gone.  Last year things were so desperate I almost needed nursing care.  I'm still very weak and struggle greatly, but I do not need nursing care, praise God!  We had decided to pursue these treatments in hopes to prevent the pricey need for longterm nursing and child daycare, and my husband and I are thankful that this was a success.  However, we are disappointed that I am still as weak as I am, but we seek to trust God's sovereignty in this situation and accept the bodily limitations I have for as long as God permits them, even if that is the rest of my life.

Besides the difficulties I already have with my health, I am now experiencing other troubles.  Our apartment's air quality is very poor and making it much worse for me. My throat is inflamed, lymph nodes swollen, inside of my mouth blistered, breathing laboured, chest constricted, voice very hoarse, along with other problems.  We have been advised by several people, including my family doctor to find a new place.  There is no hope of transferring to a different unit within this building complex, because there are already 2 other families ahead of us on the waiting list, and the have already been waiting for months.

Problems with the apartment:
-Triple layer of heavy duty high voc paint to cover up the filth of the previous tenant (chain smoker, among other things).  Both the toxins of the pain and of the smoke are off-gassing.
-Bad smoker below us.  This smoker just throws the cigarettes all over the floor.

My family doctor also highly recommends trying to find a new apartment for the sake of Karalise's health.

We are very sad.  We really like this neighbourhood, we LOVE being close to our church, and we were looking forward to connecting more with our neighbours.  We do not know of any other place nearby with such low rent, and we cannot afford anything pricier.  We are also very overwhelmed at the likely prospect of having to move all over again, especially since there is no guarantee that we won't run into the same problem with another apartment.

Please pray:
-that we will be driven to depend on God through this ordeal.
-that God will provide some resolution to our present problem.
-that God will sustain Lynette's health (especially her breathing) while we wait for resolution.
-that God will provide so we can get out of our 1 year lease contract.
-that God will provide a 'safe' and affordable place for our family to live in.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  James 1:2-4

What things to evaluate in your life when struggling with your health

Are you chronically tired?  Do you have chronic pain?  Are you getting frequent infections, flus, cold, etc?  Are you overweight or underweight?  Do you have high blood pressure?  Have you been diagnosed with depression, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, chronic stress syndrome, chronic pain syndrome or other such things?  Have you been diagnosed with a disease, like cancer, MS, diabetes, etc?

Over the last several years, I have struggled with being 'sick', and it has been getting worse and worse.  This has given me years of experience in trying to be a good steward of my body, and do what I can to be healthier.  I have found some very helpful things, and some not very helpful things.  I have wasted money/resources/time, and I have spent money/resources/time profitably.

Because I have been so long sick, and tried so many things, several people have been asking me for advice regarding their various ailments.  Hopefully, the following considerations will help you learn how to evaluate the various influences that may be damaging your health.  Unfortunately, the answer to what is causing or worsening a particular ailment is rarely ever clear cut (even if the doctor has diagnosed you with cancer).  There are many things that may be harming your health, in many different ways.  Evaluating the following things carefully and methodically has vastly helped me deal with being sick and moving forward.  I just wish someone had given me this list of considerations 8 years ago!!!

So on with the list.  I will have to be brief in my points, so please contact me if you have questions.  Please don't be overwhelmed!  The goal is to systematically eliminate factors that are harming you.  Take aim at only a couple things at a time!

1.  Spiritual factors:

A) This is the most important one.  If your soul is not right with God, it really doesn't matter whether your body is healthy.  Plus, being in rebellion to God can cause great damage not only on the soul, but on the body.  If you are not a Christian, please read the following website:
http://www.matthiasmedia.com.au/2wtl/

B) If you are a Christian, is there unconfessed sin in your life?   (Anger, lust, deceit, immorality, etc)

C) Is your relationship with God as it should be, or have you been trying to be self-sufficient?

2.  Emotional factors: is there stress, anger, fear, depression, difficult circumstances in your life (at home, in your workplace, in relationships)?  Our bodies respond very poorly to such issues.

3.  Environmental factors: is there mould, allergens, chemical substances (even things like air fresheners, laundry detergents, and perfumes can be very harmful), gases, electro-magnetic stress in your workplace or home?  You will need to find out if you are sensitive to any of these things.  Even your drinking water can be a major problem to health!  You can figure these things out by seeing Dr. Krop.  http://ecohealthcentre.ca/ You can also get help from a company called Breathing Easy - http://www.breathing-easy.net/home

4.  Nutritional factors:
A)Is your diet clean (free of trans fats, preservatives, pesticides)?
B)  Is it well-balanced (proper portions of protein, starch, fat, veggies and fruits - by the way, I am not too keen on Health Canada's Food Guide - I will try to blog about this sometime)?
C)  Do you have any food allergies or sensitivities that are aggravating your body (you will need the help of a naturopath or nutritionist to figure this out)?
D)  Do you have any vitamin or mineral deficiencies (your doctor can do thorough blood work to evaluate this)?
E)  Do you have a candida overgrowth (you can find more information on candida just by googling it)?

5.  Fitness factors:
A) Do you exercise regularly (3+ times a week)?
B)  Do you exercise according to your unique physical needs?  Some people need vigorous exercise, and others need gentle exercises like yoga.  The ultimate goal is to make sure you are getting your heart rate up, and getting that blood circulating!

6.  Medical factors:  Do you have some kind of disease, physical ailment or psychological disorder disrupting your body's proper functions?  If you are struggling with your health chronically, make sure your doctor tests you thoroughly, and sends you to a variety of specialists.  If you are hitting a brick wall with your doctor, go and see an alternative doctor (like Dr. Krop or Dr. Jaconello if you live in Toronto).  http://www.jaconello.com/ You want to make sure to rule out everything you possibly can.  Dr. Jaconello was far more thorough with me than any of my other doctors.
Also, if there is something structurally wrong in your body, you may benefit from a chiropractor, physiotherapist or massage therapist, etc.  Try to see the right kind of doctor/practitioner.


This is not everything, I'm sure, but it's a good starting point.  If one of these areas is a problem, it may create problems in all the other areas.  But sometimes, if you fix one area, all the other areas are cleared up.

It is good to do what we can, for the sake of our loved ones, in order to have or maintain good health.  However, ultimately we are in God's hands, and whether we are healthy or unhealthy is up to Him.  His strength is sufficient for us.  I praise God for allowing me to be sick, but that is a subject I will discuss further in another entry!

When Severe Physical Limitations Restrict Normal Living...

This past weekend was my sister Leanne's wedding.  She was a stunning and radiant bride, and I am so thankful that despite my poor health, I was able to go.  However, because of my poor health, there were many things I was not able to do at the wedding: I was supposed to be in the wedding party, but had to step down because I would not have been able to manage that; I wanted to contribute by helping with wedding preparations, set up, clean up, etc but I was not able; I wanted at least to catch up with friends and family at the wedding and reception but I was so unwell, I could hardly stand, let alone hold a conversation. 

Those were just a few of the limitations I lived with this past weekend.  In everyday life, there are far more.  I do not do well in situations where there are lots of people, lights, sounds, smells, activity.  Lately, I seem to be suffering from neurological problems, possibly even epileptic-like episodes/seizures.  I feel like my brain starts flickering; I get very confused; although I am kind of aware of my surroundings, I struggle to communicate even simple things like 'help me'; I start to twitch uncontrollably; my eyesight seems to be affected somehow; my heart starts to beat rapidly; and I am rendered completely incapacitated.  As I have mentioned before, I also struggle with severe sensitivities to food, chemicals, fragrances; I suffer a great deal of widespread body pain; I am often fighting debilitating fatigue; my concentration levels are severely limited; I am very weak and unable to exert very much energy (thus unable to walk very far, or do very much - it can be even difficult to manage a smile when happy). 

These things obviously interrupt my daily life - my ability to function as normal people function.  However, these things also have also had drastic implications on my ambitions, hopes and dreams.  I wanted to be a missionary, or in full-time ministry helping the needy.  I wanted to help my husband in some kind of kids outreach program.  I wanted to do lots of activities with my daughter, and even start learning how to homeschool.  I wanted to pursue courses in nutrition or in Biblical counseling.  Now I know that even if my health had allowed me to pursue these things, I would not have been able to accomplish them all.  I just wanted to give you an idea of what has been given up, or put on hold.

We all have disappointments in life.  We all have hopes and dreams that have had to be given up.  We have all faced a set of circumstances that has changed the course of our lives.  I wanted to share what God has been teaching me at this time, and hopefully be an encouragement to you.

Although life is not the way I thought it would be, I presently know a great deal of peace and joy.  No, it is not always easy, and frustration and bitterness especially creep in on the days when there's extreme pain.  I hate pain, and do not like living with it.  However, for the most part, presently I am not frustrated or bitter about the lot that God has given to me.  Although my hopes and dreams were good, God is teaching me that accomplishing great things is not what life is all about.  Life is about submission to God's will, and loving Him no matter what life He call us to.  Even Jesus Christ prayed 'Not my will, but Yours be done.'  Jesus had more right than any of us to make demands.  But instead, He submitted to God and died a cruel and shameful death on a cross.  I know peace about my limitations and failed hopes and dreams because I know that God's purpose is being done in my life, even in my sickness.  God is graciously granting me the privilege of persevering through difficulty, so my life may be a testimony of faith to Him.  I still trust and love Him when everything I wanted to do has been taken away from me.  This glorifies God, and right now, this glorifies Him more than what I could 'do' for Him. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2

Understanding My Food Restrictions

Unfortunately, I don't even understand my food restrictions, but I thought it might be helpful to share what I do know about them.  I've had several people, even doctors, question whether my restrictions are necessary.  Some people are concerned that I am not getting enough nutrition or variety in my diet.  Others simply think I've put too much stock in alternative and naturopathic therapies, and should lighten up a bit - in other words, they think I've allowed certain naturopaths to convince me I have more food sensitivities than I really do - it's all in my head.  Others just don't understand how sensitive I am, and when trying to serve meals to me forget how important it is to be very careful to follow my restrictions.  I understand I'm the odd one out, and that although food sensitivities are increasing in our population, they are very uncommon.  This fact alone can lead to many misunderstandings and false judgments of my condition.  I hope I can shed some light for you on my experience of food sensitivities, especially since it is a growing problem and you may one day face this issue yourself or in your own family.

I first started discovering some of my food sensitivities in 2006 when I went on an elimination diet.  At the time I was very unwell, struggling with great amounts of fatigue, body pain and stomach pain.  I felt bloated all the time.  I even knew that something I was eating was hurting me, but had no idea where to begin to figure out what.  I went to a naturopath for the purpose of figuring out if I had any food sensitivities.  She eliminated all the most common food sensitivities from my diet for a couple months, then had me add each food back into my diet one at a time.  This is when I discovered my gluten intolerance (wheat, barley, rye, spelt, kamut) and my tomato sensitivity.  When I added gluten back into my diet, I felt like I had eaten 2 cakes in one sitting (in other words I was very bloated) and was struck with a very intense and strange muscle weakness/fatigue that would last 4 days.  When I added tomato back into my diet, I experienced extreme muslce inflammation all over my body.  On the other hand, when I eliminated tomatoes, I stopped having knee pain (which I had had for years).  My reactions to these things are not in my head, because I have reacted to them when I didn't even know I had eaten them (I would discover after experiencing pain that the problem food had been a hidden ingredient).

As my health has declined, I have found my food sensitivities are increasing.  I have learned to be very aware of my body, and what causes it harm (whether it be food, environmental, electromagnetic, etc).  This is part of the reason I know what my restrictions are.  However, in the last couple years, I have also had some tests done through my naturopath which have verified that I am actually sensitive to the foods I have restricted from my diet.

Now, if I eat a food I am sensitive to, my body immediately pays the consequences.  I will usually be unable to sleep because the pain in my stomach is so severe.  I will suffer from constipation.  Sometimes, I feel as though I have been punched hard in the stomach.  I will often experience widespread muscle inflammation for a few days, and increased fatigue.  My mood will very often be affected, and I'll be more susceptible to anger.  The culprit food can debilitate my body for several days.  I keep trying to convince myself that if I just keep trying these foods, I will get over my sensitivities, so I cheat frequently.  Sadly, every time the reaction to that food gets worse and worse.  My husband Sony gets quite exasperated with my experiments, because he's the one who has to live with me when the pain hits.  He knows better than I do myself that these food restrictions are real and necessary.  Obviously, I'd prefer not to have them...life would be SO much easier!!!  But I do have them, and even though some people doubt them, I need to stick to this strict diet and press on.  Thankfully God is gracious, and helps me bear with all these things, and gives me much hope for heaven where I will have my pick food for eternity!!!

Here's a list of my restrictions to give you an idea of all I have had to give up.  Some people have it far worse than I do, so I am thankful that it's not worse and so far I have been able to manage them.  It is a complicated business trying to prepare meals for myself, but I have learned and am learning.  So here's the list:

• Dairy
• Gluten
• Tomatoes
• Peppers
• Eggplant
• Soy
• Caffeine (chocolate, coffee, tea)
• Eggs
• Lentils/beans
• Seeds (chia, sunflower, sesame, etc)
• Quinoa
• Sugar
• Honey
• Maple Syrup
• Preservatives
• Additives
• Food Colouring
• Peanuts
• Vegetable oil (really am only able to have olive and coconut oil)
• Beef
• Pork
• Shellfish

There's probably more, but you get the picture.   One thing all these restrictions have done for me is to actually force me to have a more balanced and healthy diet.  My husband tells me he doesn't know anyone who eats healthier than I do.  I eat a lot of veggies, and a variety of them.  I eat a variety of meat and other proteins (lamb, chicken, turkey, goat, bison, cornish hen, fish, nuts).  I eat whole grains, and very healthy ones at that with lots of protein and other good stuff in them (millet, buckwheat, rice, amaranth).  I eat several fruits, concentrating on the most potent ones nutritionally (berries, pomegranate).  I rarely eat sweet desserts, and when I do, they are made from very healthy ingredients (agave syrup, nuts, fruits, whole grains).  So in fact, I am thankful for my sensitivities and limitations because they have transformed what I put into my body, and taught me a lot about health and nutrition.  I hope all that information was helpful, and will give you a head start if ever you or someone close to you develops food sensitivities.  God bless!

Millet

Yesterday I wrote about how I had discovered some new foods and new flavours because of my dietary restrictions.  One of those foods was millet.  Millet is a gluten-free grain, that has a lovely nutty flavour.  It looks like little yellow pellets, smaller than rice.  You can find it in natural health food stores, and even in the natural food section of many grocery stores (Uncle Bob Brand).  For me, the discovery of millet was a wonderful surprise and comfort.  I had recently discovered that I was extremely sensitive even to gluten-free oats, and I was devastated.  You may think I'm weird, but I LOVE oatmeal porridge, as well as granola, and baked goods made with oats.  If I had to choose between being able to have wheat, or being able to have oats, there would be no contest!!!  Oats would be the hands down winner.  Anyway, I had a pretty heavy heart over this matter of losing oats from my diet when I tried millet.  Now, don't get me wrong, millet is NOTHING like oats.  However, the new flavour and texture of millet delighted me.  It was like a gift from heaven, God comforting my soul and telling me that my life wouldn't be completely devoid of enjoyment in food.  I realise I may seem a little melodramatic, but before you judge, please imagine your favourite food and then finding out it significantly hurts your body with great amounts of pain to the point of being unable to function when eating it.  Imagine your future without your favourite food, but having to see it all around you, enjoyed by everyone else but you.  It's a big deal, isn't it!!!  Well, God used millet to soothe my soul, and help me to submit to my circumstances.

You cook millet like you cook any other grain.  Put in a pot, put plenty of water over it, bring it to a boil, then let it simmer until the water is soaked up by the grain (just like with rice).  I usually add some salt and oil to the water to give the millet an extra fluffiness (otherwise it can be rather dry).

Ways I like to enjoy millet:

1. I like it just straight, with a good dab of butter or oil (I use coconut oil) and some salt.  I'll eat it like this at any meal.
2. For breakfast, my whole family likes it cooked with raisins, and then we add almond or peanut butter, and again some salt.  It's delicious!!!  If it seems dry, I'll also add some oil.
3. As a salad, I love to add grated carrots, parsley, brocolli and a homemade lemon vinaigrette (olive oil, apple cider vinegar, lemon juice and sea salt).  Sometimes I add tahini to the vinaigrette which gives it a different flavour.

Food Restrictions: Trial or Blessing?

I have many food sensitivities that seem to be ever increasing.  This can make food preparation VERY challenging!!!  I have had to say goodbye to many of my favourite foods over the years, and trust me, the tragedy of this reality has been difficult to accept.  I keep pleading with God, 'Oh please just don't take away dairy from me', or 'Please don't take away honey, black tea, or maple syrup'.  The list goes on and on, and God's answer is, 'How much are you willing to deny for Me, will you gracefully give up your most beloved foods for My purposes even when you don't yet know what those purposes are?'  I could refuse, and cling to those foods, harming my body more and more so that I am harming the temple of the Holy Spirit.  Or I could give in to the food restrictions, but be filled with resentment, envying everyone who has the privilege of eating an ice cream cone, granola for breakfast, earl grey lattes, cheesecake, creamy pastas, croissants, vietnamese deep fried spring rolls, pad thai, green curry, and all my other favourite foods.  But that would be a miserable existence, especially since I am always around people who eat what I cannot eat.

God has called me to put these 'earthly treasures' on the altar, to sacrifice them, and peacefully submit to Him.  Therefore, I want to honour God by joyfully accepting even these small sufferings.  In God's grace, He has in turn blessed me by giving me access to a whole new realm of food.  It's like I've discovered new colours, each one uniquely beautiful and alive!!!  When people have food restrictions, they often try to replace what they used to like with something comparable (like replacing a grilled cheese sandwich with gluten free bread and soy cheese).  However, I've discovered that trying to mimic foods is often very disappointing, and only makes me want the original more.  Instead, God has shown me how to love to food I am able to eat, without comparing it to something else.  I am able to enjoy it for what it is, something filled with new flavours to experience!!!  I am learning to enjoy my new foods more than I every enjoyed the old foods.  These new foods are filled with flavour, but are also far healthier so they are guilt-free!!!  Now I rarely every feel guilty about what I have eaten, even when I have dessert!!!  The only time I feel guilty is if I have cheated, and had a bit what will hurt me (even 'healthy' things, like tomato, piece of cheese, lentils).  But this guilt is not so much because I fear weight gain or high cholesterol, but because I know I will experience lots of pain in my intestines, and will be prevented from giving all my attention to my family because it will take time to heal.

Anyway, I just wanted to praise God for teaching me submission in this matter, and blessing me with love for the broad spectrum of foods He has created!!!  If any of you like adventure, I challenge you to try some new ways of eating your foods!!!  It's amazing what variety is out there to be enjoyed!

Here is a recipe for a Cauliflower Pasta Sauce that I whipped up last night.  It is vegan for those who are vegetarians (I can't have dairy, and I am taking a small break from meat for the next couple weeks).  My whole family went crazy over it!!!  Very delicious, filling, and a new way to get in your veggies, as well as eat lighter.

Cauliflower Pasta Sauce

• 1 head cauliflower
• minced garlic 
• 1/2 tsp sea salt
• juice of half a lemon
• almond milk (or water, or other 'milk')
• optional: onions, diced

Steam your head of cauliflower until it is just tender. Lightly saute your onions and garlic for a couple minutes.  Combine the cauliflower, onions and garlic into a blender.  Add remaining ingredients and blend. Add more liquid if too thick.  Pour on top of pasta (I used buckwheat noodles, which adds a lovely contrast in flavour.  Buckwheat noodles are high in protein, so you don't even need meat).  Enjoy!!!

Update - Some Test Results

It's been a long time since I have updated my blog, for which I apologise.  Although there has been some improvements in my health, I have found that every spare moment I have is spent napping or doing some small chore.  Praise God that I am now able to nap in the afternoons (my body rebelled against naps before) and that I am able to sometimes do light chores!!!  What a blessing and provision from my merciful Saviour!

The Christmas season was wonderful.  Although I was still very weak physically, the pain I usually endure was greatly reduced, which allowed me to enjoy the season of preparing for the holidays, and spending time with family.  January has been spent recovering from the Christmas season.  I was pretty tired out from those minor preparations, and small gatherings.  I've been resting quite a bit.

In that time, I have also had 2 tests done...an MRI, and an EEG.  The test results have finally come in this week.  The MRI results were clear, which means that MS has been ruled out!!!  Praise God.  However, the EEG revealed some abnormal brain activity.  My family doctor is concerned that it may be myoclonic epilepsy (a milder form of epilepsy, that doesn't usually involve grand mal seizures, but does involve less severe seizure like symptoms).  I will see a neurologist in March, and he will decide on whether or not this is the diagnosis.

I am not sure what to think of these results.  I am relieved in a sense that the test results are evidence that something is not normal.  For the first time, my family doctor actually believed my descriptions of my symptoms.  Before he would always pass the symptoms off as depression which I could never understand.  How are things like uncontrollable twitching and oversensitivity to flashing lights in any way linked to depression?  Beats me!!!  So, yes, it is a wonderful relief to be taken seriously.  However, I have no idea what this diagnosis of epilepsy would mean for me or my family in my future.  I guess we will take it one step at a time.

I am still convinced that Lyme Disease is the ultimate culprit, and has caused these neurological disruptions.  However, I am not sure whether the damage done will be permanent or not.  Again, we will have to take it one step at a time, and trust God no matter what the future holds.

We covet your prayers, as Sony and I seek wisdom to know what treatments to pursue.

Update on Appointments

Two weeks ago I had several doctor's appointments.  I had a couple specialist appointments, an appointment with my GP and a couple appointments for my daughter.  It was an exhausting week, and I praise the Lord that He somehow pulled me through.

Although I am seeing one doctor who is convinced I have Lyme Disease, I also wanted to see some other doctors to make sure nothing else is wrong with me.  The appointments I had so far were pretty disappointing.  I seem to have difficulty communicating the seriousness and reality of my symptoms to doctors.  The doctors that I saw listened to me for a few minutes and without any further investigation dismissed me.  The one doctor told me that he believes I do suffer what I say I suffer, but cannot diagnose me or treat me.  The other doctor that I saw was more interested in telling me about his family than listening to my symptoms.  I was hoping for more attention from specialists.  It has been a stressful time for me.  It is hurtful to be ignored when trying to cry out for help to those who are supposed to help you.

The experience with these doctors has made me all the more thankful for the two holistic MD's that I have.  Both of them give me at least an hour of undivided attention when I go in for a consultation.  They are extraordinarily thorough in investigating what the problems may be (i.e. physicals, extensive bloodwork, etc).  They listen with a great deal of concern and compassion.  They have both demonstrated a real desire to help me get better and are distressed when they see me get worse.  God has been very good in leading me to these doctors.

My daughter also had a couple appointments.  There is some concern that she may have a hearing loss.  It is possible that some nerves are damaged, which would prevent her hearing certain frequencies of sound.  This means, she may be unable to hear the beginning of words, or the ends of words.  We are still investigating this, and have several future appointments to diagnose the problem more accurately.  Please pray that God would intervene and give Karalise good hearing.  Please pray that if there is a hearing problem, God would give Sony and I wisdom to know how to teach her.

I have been severely exhausted the last couple weeks.  I have not been able to get as much help at home with Karalise, so that has made things a bit more difficult.  Please be praying that God will give me just enough energy to appropriately care for my daughter, and train her in the way of the Lord.

Update

October has been an incredibly tough month, in more ways than one.  My health started a downward trend at the beginning of October, and has been steadily getting worse and worse.  Much grief has also weighed down my heart, as my dear friend and sister in Christ, Karissa Grandine, was taken to her heavenly home on October 17.  Much of the last couple weeks have been spent trying to grapple with this reality.  Although I rejoice that my friend now sits at the feet of her Saviour, Jesus Christ, and is forever safe from all earthly harm in His most glorious love, I am filled with grief at losing my friend who was so young.  Even more, I am greatly pained by the loss her husband and family members face now.  However, despite these things, God has been tremendously gracious, and has given me much peace and hope.  I mourn, but I do not despair, which is a miracle, as despair would be my typical response.  I praise God for His lovingkindness!

As for my body, it continues to get weaker and weaker.  I have been needing increasing help during the days just to get through normal daily activities.  I am profoundly weak, so that it is difficult to explain it.  I experience not just lack of energy, but a very burdensome and painful weight of fatigue.  The fatigue and lack of energy is aggressively attacking my body.  I have also been experiencing twitching of muscles, which at times overtakes my whole body.  I never knew until now what a terrifying thing it is to lose control of one's own body.  My heart cries for those who suffer from Epilepsy, Parkinson's, Lou Gehrig Disease and other such diseases that attack the neurological system.  I am only presently getting a taste of this, and it freaks me out every time.  It starts with my head, then shoulders, then arms, then legs, etc.  When I have an episode I find it hard to communicate, and am overwhelmed with a flood of tears streaming down my face.  As you can see, I am not very brave or courageous.  Thankfully, I do know that I belong to God, and no matter what happens, my soul will be with Him for eternity.

I am currently seeing many different kinds of doctors.  Next week I have 6 doctor's appointments!!!  I'm exhausted from appointments!  Anyway, please pray that God will give the doctors much wisdom to get to the root of the problem.  Please also pray that the treatments for Lyme Disease will be successful (I still receive them every three weeks).  Please pray that God will provide enough people to give me rides to my doctor's appointments.  Finally, pray for our family that God will sustain us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Brain Fog

For a long time now my thinking processes have been getting murky.  But just like pain and fatigue, this symptom is not easily evident to people outside of myself.  Even my husband, who is intimately acquainted with me, does not quickly remember this hindrance in me.

In the medical realm, this slowness of mind is called brain fog.  So if you consider the difference between driving on a sunny day but the sun is not glaring, when there are no clouds, the roads are dry, and it's smooth sailing versus driving on a cloudy day at dusk with a thick billowing fog and it's far from smooth sailing.  You may still get to your destination on the foggy day (with perhaps a couple breaks along the way, in hopes the fog will lift) but it was far more complicated and even dangerous than when you could see clearly on the sunny day all that was going on around you (the cars in front, behind, beside, pedestrians, animals, road signs, etc.).  That pretty well describes my experience in my mind.  I have difficulty seeing clearly in my mind, and then have difficulty expressing myself clearly.  I'll sometimes swerve to the left or the right in my thoughts, and not quite know how to get back on track and communicate what I wanted to.  Often I struggle to answer questions clearly, or it takes a lot more time to figure out answers to questions that should be obvious.

My memory is greatly affected as well.  My memory is shot - I can't remember the intersection I live at, or I can't remember the name of the church down the street.  I can't remember big details and small details.  I reach and reach and reach, and the process is exhausting, but still can't seem to find in my fog the information I was looking for.  I will confess that on one occasion I even forgot my name, and referred to myself by my sister Leanne's name (Leanne can testify to the truth of this, and laughs at me to this day!!!).  At least now when I forget somebody's name (which is frequently), I can say 'Don't worry, I have even forgotten my own name!'

In the last couple months, I have started jumbling my words.  And I'm trying to remember specific incidences, and am having difficulty grabbing at them.  Last night I was talking to Sony, explaining to him that I think I have been having especially bad days because the mety heavals don't want to come out of me.  What I meant was heavy metals (I am taking some medication to help eliminate heavy metals toxins from my body, but since taking them my body has crashed rather severely).  I had to call my husband to remind me what I had said - to further prove my difficulty of mind!  I do this word scramble quite a bit, but trying to remember other specific occasions is seriously giving me a headache.

The days of being able to know exactly what I want to say and how to say are long gone.  Some days are worse than others.  Some days I'm completely paralyzed in my mind, being unable to communicate anything.  Sony can ask me what's wrong, and my body is screaming with pain, but I am somehow incapable of expressing this to him.  You'd think it wouldn't be so difficult to at least say 'I hurt' or 'I'm in pain'.  Sometimes it's so bad that, Sony can even try asking me specifically, 'Are you in pain?' and I still don't know what to say.  On less severe days, I am able to express myself, but it might take extra time to express myself.  If I give a quick response, it is often not the most accurate response, because I have not taken the time to search in my fog for the most accurate response.  When trying to encourage someone, I can make a real jumble of it, because I don't know how anymore to say the correct soothing and uplifting words.  There are many times when a new person is trying to get to know me and asking me all kinds of questions when I fail to be able to respond in like fashion and return the questions to them.  I'm too exhausted from the effort it has taken to remember and form my answers to the those questions.

My husband tells me I write these blog entries too well, that I sound too normal, and don't seem to have any difficulty to think clearly.  But it does take me time to work out my sentences, and to pull out the words from my head.  Plus, for some reason, it has always been easier to think through my fingers.  Communication through speech seems far more abstract to me, and thus far more difficult.  Well, that scratches at least the surface of my difficulties in my brain.  Hopefully that will help you understand if I ever seem kind of stupid, slow, or rude in conversation.

A Rescue Mission - Thankful for Friends

I've shared in a couple posts how the past week has been incredibly difficult and lonely.  Well, the problems of the week were exacerbated by plumbing issues.  Our toilet flooded the bathroom floor and when Sony tried to plunge it, the sewage water then flooded our shower.  The bathroom was a disaster.  The plumber came in and thankfully fixed the problem (at least for now) but our washroom was still disgusting.

I was having one of those days where I was too weak to make it out to the mail box, let alone try and mop up that ugly mess. My husband had been up half the night with me, and then with Karalise, so I knew he wouldn't be up for the job.  Again, I was overwhelmed and helpless (that seems to be my theme for the week).

But praise God for my friends Phil and Karissa who came over and rescued us.  Phil entertained Karalise while also managing to tidy our disaster living room.  Meanwhile, Karissa bravely tackled the nasty washroom, thoroughly mopping, scrubbing and drying the floors and shower.  Then we had a nice little time of fellowship with them over dinner.

It was just a small scale disaster, only requiring a good mop up, but it was far beyond my capacity to deal with.  I was done in.  I suspect that if these friends hadn't come in, I would have been a sobbing mess, and the washroom would have remained a disaster for several days.

Thank you very much, Phil and Karissa.  And thank you Lord for providing merciful help in just the right time.

Sacrifices of Peoples with Broken Bodies

Naively I hoped for some improvement for today.  My plan was to go apple picking with a dear friend.  But I woke early (more than once) and have not been able to return to sleep.  My body is raging at me with pain, and I only manage to get around by tripping around the apartment.  I was thankful I some how caught the jar of soup I almost dropped, as I was heating some for breakfast.  The thought of trying to clean up shattered glass mingled with spilled stock and veggies bewilders me.

I have had 5 long days of getting up and forcing my body into at least minimal action so I can care for Karalise.  Some days I am so weak and with so much pain, I go into her with tears in my eyes.  I hate that, but they come unbidden.  My spirit is overwhelmed within me.  It breaks my heart to see the tears fall down Karalise's face as she can't understand why I am crying.  I suspect today will be one of those days, since tears have already been in my eyes for the last hour.

Usually Saturday's are my day of rest.  My break from the long, lonely weeks.  My husband is usually home, and he lets me rest in bed as long as I need.  But today, I felt it was more important that he serve others, so I am alone.  I'm disappointed my strength has waned, keeping me from my apple picking plans.  My heart faints at the thought of the long hours ahead.  Guilt washes over me as I consider another dreary day for my daughter, another day where mommy is too sick to play and laugh and teach.

But one thought gives me joy.  I may be too sick to be of any use to anyone, but at least I can give up my needs for help from my husband in preference for others.  So today, I do not suffer in vain.  I suffer so others may be blessed.  I hope God is able use my frailty in this way.

I have a dear friend suffering with similar pains and fatigue as I am.  Today she uses all the strength she can muster to go out and pray for people.  In her difficulties, she is learning it's the time spent on eternal matters that is really important.  She doesn't have much, but what she does have she gives with all her might.  May God richly bless her today, and bless those she ministers to.

It may seem like some people are useless lumps in their weakness, but there are things they can do for God's glory, according to the strength given to them - whether it is to suffer loneliness and helplessness so others can be comforted and helped, or whether it is to expend all the little energy they have to minister in simple ways to other broken people.

P.S. My attempt to let my husband help failed.  He felt I was in such terrible state that he is now coming home, and won't be helping.

Some Days (and Weeks) are Tough

I am sitting on my couch, looking out over my messy living room (which is nothing compared to the state of the rest of my basement apartment) and I am feeling completely bewildered and helpless.  Although it may not seem like it, I am struggling to bring words to mind and get them typed onto the screen.  I had a rough night because it took a while to get to sleep and I'm now paying severe consequences.  I feel the weight of gravity and the weight of my own fatigue pressing down on me, so that it is even hard to breathe. 

I have been in a sorrowful mood since Sunday.  We arrived back from a wonderful but far too short vacation late on Saturday night.  Although I was exhausted and my body all stiff and sore from the long drive, I was eagerly anticipating the Sunday morning service.  I love going to church, to be with God's people and hear from God's Word.  God is radiant in glory, power and love and I delight to spend time with those who belong to Him and reflect His beauty.  I also delight to hear from God's Word, so that I can learn in awe more of Him, as well as become more like Him.

I managed to get myself into the van that morning, even early enough to get to church on time.  Mornings can be rather traumatizing for my weary body, and to say it can be difficult to get it moving is an understatement.  About 3 minutes into the trip, the stabbing, gut-wrenching pain began.  I figured it would linger only as long as I was riding in the van.  I arrived at church, eager for the opportunity to talk with members of the congregation, and hopefully have opportunity to get to know them more.  We are new at the church, and with my health being so bad, it has been difficult to get to know people.  But as I walked through the doors of the gym, the pain became blinding.  This pain was centred in my neck, but setting off the fiery inflammation throughout the rest of my body.  I looked longingly over at the people across the room, wishing I could somehow manage the strength to get up and make my way over to engage in conversation.  I had no success.  A couple people stopped by my chair and spoke with me, but the pain, and now the fatigue was overwhelming my thought processes so that I found it difficult to communicate.  I think I managed to say something, but definitely failed to say what I wanted.  The service began, and this is when the pain became nauseating.  I somehow managed to make it back and forth to the washroom a couple times.  The sermon started.  My chair was uncomfortable, and I thought maybe being on the floor would help.  My stomach still seemed to be swelling upwards.  At this point, in shame at my obvious weakness, I left and found a seat outside against a tree so that I would not disturb anyone with my cries of anquish. After half an hour or more the cold became unbearable and I needed to go back into the service and get the keys to my van.  I was rescued by a dear woman who came and sat with me and rubbed my back to diminish some of the pain.  After the service, my husband took me directly home, where I have been trying to recover the rest of the week.

I share this because I would like others to understand the world that sufferers live in.  It's terrifying for me to expose these things.  I am afraid of being judged, misunderstood, rejected, and a number of other things.  The weakness of my body makes it more difficult to maintain rationality and composure.  I am lonely, having to spend the week alone, somehow trying to meet the needs of my 14 month old daughter.  I receive little communication from the outside world.  My family live too far away to be able to help consistently.  I desire to rejoice in my trials, but I struggle.  I am often disgusted with myself and my limitations - being unable to clean, exercise, be reasonable, serve my community, be a good mother, etc.  I seek to spend time every day with my Lord, but mentally and physically this can be very difficult, and thus frustrating.  I seek to be thankful, but more burdens press down on me, and it can be far too easy to become discouraged.

The more I suffer, the more I understand what others experience when they suffer.  My longing is that we would extract ourselves from the busyness of life, and love each other more by ministering to the needs of those who are struggling in our communities.  If the Lord ever gives me my health back, I hope He will enable me to be a rich blessing to those in need.  In the meantime, please let me know how I can be praying for you.  I have some time on my hands and am happy to bring my friends before the Lord in prayer.

May God be merciful to us, and help us to press on and give Him glory.

Fragrances

As a child, I thought perfumes and other scented products were lovely.  I loved going into candle stores and smelling all the different scents they could make.  I loved going to the perfume aisle and breathing in all the lovely fragrances.  I naively believed the romantic thought that they were made from flowers and essential oils.  When I smelled the apple cinnamon candles, I thought it actually contained apples and cinnamon.  I remember especially being delighted with the thought of all the flowers used to make my favourite perfumes...I even thought it would be a great career to be the one creating and designing fragrances from God's creation.

As I grew older, I started developing a headache whenever I passed by a perfume store.  Shortly thereafter, I wasn't even able to go into those quaint little candle shops anymore. 

This year, I get incredibly sick in homes with air fresheners and certain scented bath products (Old Spice body wash kills me).  Intense pain overcomes me, I am nauseated, get headaches, and even my throat begins to swell, making it hard for me to breathe.  My doctor has recently prescribed me a puffer so that I can breathe when I encounter situations where I cannot get away from particular scents that give me too much trouble.

My reactions are nothing compared to what some of my friends go through.  They are not even able to participate in church because they are so 'allergic' to the fragrances people in the congregation wear.  They have to sit in a separate room, or not go to church at all.  They are not able to work in most workplaces.  They are not able to easily go to the mall or any other public function.  They develop very severe migraines and severe breathing problems. 

My romantic notions of 'scents' have been shattered, and now I realise these fragrances are not made from flowers and essential oils, but are made from several harmful chemicals.  These chemicals are no better and no safer than those chemicals in cigarettes.  Therefore, I ask you to consider using scent-free products, so that you do not harm yourselves, and so that you do not harm people like me who get very sick because of them.  There is growing demand for scent-free products, so you can find these items marked 'unscented' or 'fragrance free' in your local grocery store and pharmacies, as well as at health stores.

Products to avoid because they contain parfum (harmful chemicals) are:

• perfume, cologne, aftershave
• shampoo, conditioner, soap, body wash, body lotion, deoderants and other body and hair products
• nail polish and remover
• laundry detergent and dryer sheets (these can cause the most severe reactions)
• febreze, air fresheners (one of my doctors refers to these as pure poison)
• candles, potpourri, incense, etc.
• household cleaning products - dish soap, window and surface cleaners, all purpose cleaners, etc.

I actually gave up using scented products several years ago after living with someone for a couple months who had a severe allergy to these chemicals.  I saw how much physical pain she suffered.  I also saw the emotional pain she suffered.  She wanted to develop friendships, but couldn't even get close to anyone who was wearing something with a fragrance.  She felt lonely and isolated.  I am beginning to understand now how she felt, as my own allergies worsen, and am forced to keep my distance from certain people wearing strong fragrances.  

I encourage you to love others by not using products that are harmful to their health.  I encourage you to act wisely on your own behalf and not use products that are harmful to your health and the health of your family.  These products are especially dangerous to young children.  Please refrain from using scented products!!!

Please read the following article by David Suzuki for more information:
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/what-you-can-do/green-your-workplace/go-fragrance-free/

Thank you for your kind consideration of this important matter.

My Lyme Diseae Treatment

Many people have been asking me what my treatment is and how it is going.  I thought I would attempt an explanation here, though it is rather complicated.

1. I am seeing my family doctor very frequently to get sleep support.  Insomnia plagues many with Lyme Diseae.  I have tried every natural sleep therapy and supplement I can, and nothing has worked.  I've heard one doctor describe sleep as nature's nurse.  There is little hope of improving my health if I am not sleeping, and actually my health takes a very drastic dive when I lack sleep.  This means I am taking some sleep medications until I can teach my body to sleep on its own.
2. I am awaiting appointments with an Infectious Disease Specialist as well as an Environmental Health Speciacalist in order to delve deeper into what is happening in my body.
3. I am receiving gentle detox protocols from a doctor in order to try to eliminate heavy metal poisoning from my body.  These are supplements that I take. 
4. I am receiving acupuncture, massage therapy, chiropractic care and naturopathic care to help me cope with all the varying symptoms (intense pain, debilitating fatigue and weakness, emotional fragility, etc).
5. My primary treatment is the most complicated to explain.  In order to kill the Lyme Bacteria, I am being treated with a Bicom machine, a technology from Germany, which is energy therapy. Basically, the Bicom Machine is able to reverse the energy imprint of the Lyme bacteria in my body.  When that energy imprint is reversed, the environment in my body becomes impossible for the bacteria to survive in.  In my research, I have found that this seems to be the most effective and safest way to treat Lyme Disease.  The typical way to treat it is with long term antibiotics (for up to 3-4 years or more).  Taking this many antibiotics can be quite dangerous, and still not be very effective.  Lyme bacteria is a spirochete (like the Syphilis bacteria) and it also has a biofilm which allows it hide in the body undetected...even when attacked by antibiotics.  This bacteria has become more and more resistant.  So this is why I have chosen the Bicom therapy.  Every three weeks I go to the clinic and sit in a comfortable chair for 2-3 hours.  I sit against a pad that is connected to the Bicom Machine, and it does its work.  I feel slightly groggy and a little funny during the treatment, but other than that nothing crazy happens.  Usually I am quite tired for the next three days after a treatment.  I have experienced great improvements already because of this therapy.  For a while my stomach got to be so sensitive it hurt to eat carrots.  I didn't know what to eat anymore.  Because of these therapies I am able to eat a lot more variety of food.  I am also very slowly increasing in energy.  I pray that God will hear my prayers and use this device to completely heal me.

In Memory of Sweet Sarah Nell

The Lord has been pleased to take home to His side my sweet friend Sarah Nell.  She passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago, her funeral was just this past Saturday.  She was just a little older than I.  She leaves behind a husband, they had been married only one year.  She also leaves behind her parents, she was an only child. 

Sarah came into my life 8 years ago.  I don't know where to begin to describe how lovely she was, or what an impact she had on my life.  I was counseling/mentoring/discipling young women at His Mansion in New Hampshire.  I went there to counsel, but was incredibly frail and weak and foolish.  One of the first things we were told was that the only difference between those of us who had come to counsel and help and those of us who came to get cousel and help was the application form we filled out.  I felt the truth of this to my core, and on several occasions seriously considered signing up to get the help, rather than give it.  Anyway, it was in this context that I met Sarah.  This young lady was assigned to me - I was supposed to oversee her spiritual growth for the next several months.  She lived in my room (on the bunk above me), we ate together, worked together, suffered together, laughed together, struggled together, etc. I poured out my heart for Sarah (as I did for all my 4 girls) and sought to love her by pointing her to the hope of the gospel in Jesus Christ.  She had many things to overcome in her faith.  But I was very humbled by her.  God had already been doing a special work in her heart, and there was such a sweetness in her soul.  She came determined to learn as much as she could about God and how to serve Him.  This fervency I have seen in very few people.  She was incredibly humble, and received counsel with an open and eager heart.  I can't say that my soul is as sweet and loving as hers.  I can't say I am as humble and willing to hear rebuke as her.  Having that precious privilege of watching her press in to know God and be transformed by Him taught me more than Seminary ever could.  I learned from her humility.  God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. 

Like all of us, Sarah has probably had several ups and downs in the last 8 years.  But I know in the end she greatly loved her Lord, and desired to give her life to Him.  She had a serious leg injury, and for a while was unable to function physically.  She told me should would often lay in bed and pray to God "You got this?  I get it."  Sarah submitted to the life God had alotted to her, even in the face of physical pain and disability.  As I struggle with my own physical limitations, I wish I were more like Sarah and better able to accept from God's hand the suffering He allows in my life.

I wish I had words to express what a beautiful woman this dear friend of mine was.  I pray that her testimony would live on, and that those who have been left behind would seek to be humble and flee from pride.  God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Farewell, sweet Sarah Nell.  I look forward to meeting again, in the shelter of our Saviour's arms, where I will see your face reflecting the glory of Christ.  Farewell.

Just Human

I'm learning there is much grace in having Lyme Disease.  This disease keeps me vulnerable, frail, foolish, and broken.  I can't lead that pristine polished picture of Christian life, where every wayward inclination, messy vulnerable emotion is hidden away into the deep recesses of our closets.  I don't have the luxury of easily deceiving myself with self-righteous indignation that I am above reproach, worthy of respect and one who cannot be knocked off their pedestal.  I am not trying to imply that most Christians are guilty of this.  But there does seem to be a temptation to hide our messy humanity under the carpet, and let everyone believe we've got it altogether.

My pride has suffered several blows, especially in the last few months, as my emotional instability, follies, insecurities, etc have been exposed for everyone to see.  These are things I'd prefer to keep hidden.  I would like people to think I am strong and a mature woman of God.  Instead I have come tumbling off my pedestal numerous times, and at this point realise that as long as any one puts me up on a pedestal, I will inevitably fall off.  But PRAISE GOD!!!  I am glad that my weaknesses can be exposed to all, so that God's strength will be glorified.  I am glad that I am forced to learn I am but dust and my absolute need of my Saviour Jesus Christ.  I am glad that I will inevitably fail anyone who tries to put their hope in me so that they can turn to Jesus Christ who never fails. 

Learning Joy in Suffering

Just when I thought I could not bare any further suffering, this past week brought deep emotional pain.  A loved one desperately hurt me.  I thought it was the last straw.  I was already getting no sleep, already fearfully agonized with pain, already laden down with cares.  I seriously thought God desired to crush me.

What I have learned is that God, in His mercy, did desire to crush me...to crush my sinful nature and continue His work to make me more like Christ.  In the midst of this very painful refining time, where God burned away more and more of my selfishness and sin, God gave me much grace.  He gave me one friend in particular who held my hand through the week so I wouldn't sink utterly into despair.  He gave different pastors to speak truth, hard truth, but loving truth to my heart so I might press on in my faith.  He gave other friends to pray with me and weep with me.  I have learned I am not utterly abandoned.  God has bestowed much grace.

Lessons of Joy I am Learning in the Midst of these Sufferings:

• It is far better to suffer and die to self than to live in comfort and continue to live for self.  I wanted happiness.  I wanted to live happily with my family, aquire a small home, live in close knit community with my church, offer my gifts up to God, be hospitable, travel in order to enjoy God's creation, etc.  I wasn't seeking riches, fame, or evil things.  I was seeking good things, but God placed in my life the great discomfort of physical and emotional pain to teach me to yearn for Him first and foremost.  Anything that is treasured more than God is idolatry.  And those idols are empty.  The joy of life, true joy, comes only through God.  We must always delight first in the Creator, not first in the gifts of His creation.
• As I learn to love with the grace of Christ, forgiving and blessing those who hurt me as Christ has forgiven me, I learn all the more the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me on the cross.  He bore my shame, He bore the wrath of God for my sake, although I was seeking anything but Him and although I continue to sin against Him.  Jesus Christ's love for me has come at great cost, it has been given to me at the cost of His very life.  I can rejoice in the pain of loving those who hurt me most because then I see ever more clearly what love Christ has for me.
• Every added pain, every added sickness, every added loss makes me vividly aware that I am just passing through on this earth.  My home is in heaven.  My love for the world grows less, and my anticipation to see Christ face to face grows more intense. 

At first glance, these lessons may not seem very joyful, but they are indeed!!!  Through these trials, God is revealing Himself to my heart, and nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to knowing Him.  Though it is difficult, I can say I rejoice in these trials because God has used them to show me Himself.  May He grant this bruised reed the grace to love Him.

Yearning for God, but Afraid to Trust Him

I recently read through some of the Psalms.  I was especially taken with Psalm 40, 42 and 91.  It is amazing how well they speak of how I feel and what I am experiencing with my current struggles with Lyme Disease.  I feel attacked on all sides, betrayed, vulnerable.  It is wonderful to have such comfort from God, to read that He is my fortress and my salvation.  Reading these Psalms brings to my mind memories of sweet times in the past I have spent with Him.  I can honestly say that the very best times of my life have been the times I have spent with God - playing the piano, praying on a mountain or on a farm in the city or by the water, praising Him along with others, or sharing with others of His goodness.  Nothing on earth can possibly compare to these precious moments I have had with my Lord.

However, as I read these beautiful Psalms, and longed for those sweet times of old, something in my heart was distant from God.  I realised something has changed, and now I am afraid to trust God.  I have suffered such intense pain, such brutal terrors of night, such loneliness, helplessness and day after day of more and more disability.  In those days I have prayed to God, pleading for grace, for a little relief, or if nothing else, at least that small whisper of love only He is able to give.  I heard nothing.  And now I wonder if I am rejected, lost to God.  Please don't misunderstand, I do appreciate those blessings of 'common grace' I know He bestows.  I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me lovingly and faithfully.  I have a beautiful healthy daughter who has been a happy and easy baby.  Although we do struggle financially, we have not yet been completely sunk.  And in the last couple months much help has been provided.  I know God has been good to me though I suffer.  Furthermore, I do not want to doubt God.  Every day I seek Him.  Every day I yearn for those sweet days of old.  I want renewed to me the joy of my salvation.  It's just that my heart is scared.  I poured out my soul to God, I sought Him with tears, and that simple request, that longing just for a whisper of love was denied.  I am hurt.  I am confused.  I am finding it difficult to reconcile why God remained distant during my most desperate hours.  I can cry with the Psalmist 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me!' 

As Christians, we have a lot mixed up.  For some reason we forget all those warnings of suffering in Scripture.  And in the midst of our suffering, we forget all the beautiful passages which describe how suffering is used to make us more into the image of Christ.  So although my heart is having difficulty trusting God, I will continue to pursue Him, and ask Him to know my frame and understand that I am but dust.  I will plead with Him day after day to teach my heart to trust Him until I one day enjoy those sweet times of fellowship with Him again.

Lyme and Struggles with Envy

Lyme disease is a terrible disease.  It causes havoc in the body you don't want to even imagine.  It threatens even one's sanity, as pain, neurological damage, insomnia, and all kinds of other bodily dysfunction invade every moment of life.  It is even more terrible because it is largely misunderstood and unknown.  Although in many ways it would be preferable to have cancer, cancer patients get a lot more compassion, help and medical support.  I have a friend recently diagnosed with cancer, and she came to visit me and was horrified by how disabled I have become.  She said she is doing much better than I.

As I live from day to day, I am seeking grace from God to accept this disease and its damage on my life.  I am seeking to be content with my circumstances, and thankful for the opportunity to grow in faith.  However, this is a war like none other.  Despair, envy, fear, anger, and a slew of other emotions wage war in my heart and mind.  Today, my struggle is with envy.  I have to fight, but I have so little strength, and I feel so sick (nauseous, all encompassing pain all over, weakness, etc.) it feels nearly impossible.

Why envy?  Perhaps it is obvious to you, perhaps not.  If you have ever suffered, you might understand.  I live in a basement apartment.  We are very thankful for this spacious place God has provided us with.  However, we are financially tremendously burdened.  Both Sony and I have jobs that are not as prosperous as some.  Now I am unable to work.  Even without all the added extra expenses we incur due to my illness, we would not likely be able to afford our own place in the GTA.  But we do have all those tremendously weighty extra expenses.  It is by God's grace that we aren't completely sunk financially.  That is why we are in a basement apartment.  Now consider my fatigue, my pain, my condition which continues to plummet.  Probably the one most important thing for me at this time is getting enough sleep.  Sadly, insomnia also comes with Lyme.  It used to be I could sleep through noise.  Now, even a pin drop wakes me up (and that's with ear plugs!!!).  Our landlords are gracious people, but they need to live upstairs.  This means no sleep for me.  It's getting better at night, but that does mean when my Lyme insomnia keeps me awake at night as it frequently does, I don't have the freedom to sleep at all during the day...no matter how often I try...and I try every day.  Today I feel especially sick, nausea seeming to flood through my veins, even my limbs (don't ask how that's possible).  But in these moments when I most need sleep, desperately need sleep, I am trapped in a basement apartment where sleep is not possible.  I don't have the freedom to sleep.  Such a basic freedom, but it illudes me.

And this is where envy enters.  So you see, my envy is not so much a matter of wanting bigger and better.  It's a matter of being desperate for a basic need, as important as food itself.  In these moments I am flooded with desire for my own house - a house because I can make a little sleep cave free from noise for myself more effectively in a house than in a condo or townhouse.  Then rushing into my mind are thoughts of all those friends who have houses, but have the health to sustain them to live in an apartment such as mine.  I want to want their houses.  I ask God why those who really need such things are denied.  I consider all the others like me who are sick.  They are too sick to work, too sick to get treatments they need, too sick to even have a place conducive to healing.  It's a vicious circle.  We are sick, thus financially strapped, and thus unable to afford what we need to get better so we get even sicker.  I just want to live!  But sickness = getting sicker. 

I am obviously very happy for any of my friends who are able to afford such blessings.  But I have to confess that it is a struggle, because I see so clearly how much improvement I could enjoy if I just had something as simple as freedom to sleep.  God has been gracious, and my landlords will be going to Australia for several months come September.  I just have to somehow survive 2 more months.  But ever present in my mind are those who do not enjoy such hope...they are stuck, and their health is declining faster than ever.  Please pray for us, pray for our hearts, as we are incredibly physically weak and ripe for temptation.  We desire to honour God and learn contentment, but the road ahead seems nearly impossible.