Some Days (and Weeks) are Tough

I am sitting on my couch, looking out over my messy living room (which is nothing compared to the state of the rest of my basement apartment) and I am feeling completely bewildered and helpless.  Although it may not seem like it, I am struggling to bring words to mind and get them typed onto the screen.  I had a rough night because it took a while to get to sleep and I'm now paying severe consequences.  I feel the weight of gravity and the weight of my own fatigue pressing down on me, so that it is even hard to breathe. 

I have been in a sorrowful mood since Sunday.  We arrived back from a wonderful but far too short vacation late on Saturday night.  Although I was exhausted and my body all stiff and sore from the long drive, I was eagerly anticipating the Sunday morning service.  I love going to church, to be with God's people and hear from God's Word.  God is radiant in glory, power and love and I delight to spend time with those who belong to Him and reflect His beauty.  I also delight to hear from God's Word, so that I can learn in awe more of Him, as well as become more like Him.

I managed to get myself into the van that morning, even early enough to get to church on time.  Mornings can be rather traumatizing for my weary body, and to say it can be difficult to get it moving is an understatement.  About 3 minutes into the trip, the stabbing, gut-wrenching pain began.  I figured it would linger only as long as I was riding in the van.  I arrived at church, eager for the opportunity to talk with members of the congregation, and hopefully have opportunity to get to know them more.  We are new at the church, and with my health being so bad, it has been difficult to get to know people.  But as I walked through the doors of the gym, the pain became blinding.  This pain was centred in my neck, but setting off the fiery inflammation throughout the rest of my body.  I looked longingly over at the people across the room, wishing I could somehow manage the strength to get up and make my way over to engage in conversation.  I had no success.  A couple people stopped by my chair and spoke with me, but the pain, and now the fatigue was overwhelming my thought processes so that I found it difficult to communicate.  I think I managed to say something, but definitely failed to say what I wanted.  The service began, and this is when the pain became nauseating.  I somehow managed to make it back and forth to the washroom a couple times.  The sermon started.  My chair was uncomfortable, and I thought maybe being on the floor would help.  My stomach still seemed to be swelling upwards.  At this point, in shame at my obvious weakness, I left and found a seat outside against a tree so that I would not disturb anyone with my cries of anquish. After half an hour or more the cold became unbearable and I needed to go back into the service and get the keys to my van.  I was rescued by a dear woman who came and sat with me and rubbed my back to diminish some of the pain.  After the service, my husband took me directly home, where I have been trying to recover the rest of the week.

I share this because I would like others to understand the world that sufferers live in.  It's terrifying for me to expose these things.  I am afraid of being judged, misunderstood, rejected, and a number of other things.  The weakness of my body makes it more difficult to maintain rationality and composure.  I am lonely, having to spend the week alone, somehow trying to meet the needs of my 14 month old daughter.  I receive little communication from the outside world.  My family live too far away to be able to help consistently.  I desire to rejoice in my trials, but I struggle.  I am often disgusted with myself and my limitations - being unable to clean, exercise, be reasonable, serve my community, be a good mother, etc.  I seek to spend time every day with my Lord, but mentally and physically this can be very difficult, and thus frustrating.  I seek to be thankful, but more burdens press down on me, and it can be far too easy to become discouraged.

The more I suffer, the more I understand what others experience when they suffer.  My longing is that we would extract ourselves from the busyness of life, and love each other more by ministering to the needs of those who are struggling in our communities.  If the Lord ever gives me my health back, I hope He will enable me to be a rich blessing to those in need.  In the meantime, please let me know how I can be praying for you.  I have some time on my hands and am happy to bring my friends before the Lord in prayer.

May God be merciful to us, and help us to press on and give Him glory.

Learning Joy in Suffering

Just when I thought I could not bare any further suffering, this past week brought deep emotional pain.  A loved one desperately hurt me.  I thought it was the last straw.  I was already getting no sleep, already fearfully agonized with pain, already laden down with cares.  I seriously thought God desired to crush me.

What I have learned is that God, in His mercy, did desire to crush me...to crush my sinful nature and continue His work to make me more like Christ.  In the midst of this very painful refining time, where God burned away more and more of my selfishness and sin, God gave me much grace.  He gave me one friend in particular who held my hand through the week so I wouldn't sink utterly into despair.  He gave different pastors to speak truth, hard truth, but loving truth to my heart so I might press on in my faith.  He gave other friends to pray with me and weep with me.  I have learned I am not utterly abandoned.  God has bestowed much grace.

Lessons of Joy I am Learning in the Midst of these Sufferings:

• It is far better to suffer and die to self than to live in comfort and continue to live for self.  I wanted happiness.  I wanted to live happily with my family, aquire a small home, live in close knit community with my church, offer my gifts up to God, be hospitable, travel in order to enjoy God's creation, etc.  I wasn't seeking riches, fame, or evil things.  I was seeking good things, but God placed in my life the great discomfort of physical and emotional pain to teach me to yearn for Him first and foremost.  Anything that is treasured more than God is idolatry.  And those idols are empty.  The joy of life, true joy, comes only through God.  We must always delight first in the Creator, not first in the gifts of His creation.
• As I learn to love with the grace of Christ, forgiving and blessing those who hurt me as Christ has forgiven me, I learn all the more the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me on the cross.  He bore my shame, He bore the wrath of God for my sake, although I was seeking anything but Him and although I continue to sin against Him.  Jesus Christ's love for me has come at great cost, it has been given to me at the cost of His very life.  I can rejoice in the pain of loving those who hurt me most because then I see ever more clearly what love Christ has for me.
• Every added pain, every added sickness, every added loss makes me vividly aware that I am just passing through on this earth.  My home is in heaven.  My love for the world grows less, and my anticipation to see Christ face to face grows more intense. 

At first glance, these lessons may not seem very joyful, but they are indeed!!!  Through these trials, God is revealing Himself to my heart, and nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to knowing Him.  Though it is difficult, I can say I rejoice in these trials because God has used them to show me Himself.  May He grant this bruised reed the grace to love Him.

Lyme and Struggles with Envy

Lyme disease is a terrible disease.  It causes havoc in the body you don't want to even imagine.  It threatens even one's sanity, as pain, neurological damage, insomnia, and all kinds of other bodily dysfunction invade every moment of life.  It is even more terrible because it is largely misunderstood and unknown.  Although in many ways it would be preferable to have cancer, cancer patients get a lot more compassion, help and medical support.  I have a friend recently diagnosed with cancer, and she came to visit me and was horrified by how disabled I have become.  She said she is doing much better than I.

As I live from day to day, I am seeking grace from God to accept this disease and its damage on my life.  I am seeking to be content with my circumstances, and thankful for the opportunity to grow in faith.  However, this is a war like none other.  Despair, envy, fear, anger, and a slew of other emotions wage war in my heart and mind.  Today, my struggle is with envy.  I have to fight, but I have so little strength, and I feel so sick (nauseous, all encompassing pain all over, weakness, etc.) it feels nearly impossible.

Why envy?  Perhaps it is obvious to you, perhaps not.  If you have ever suffered, you might understand.  I live in a basement apartment.  We are very thankful for this spacious place God has provided us with.  However, we are financially tremendously burdened.  Both Sony and I have jobs that are not as prosperous as some.  Now I am unable to work.  Even without all the added extra expenses we incur due to my illness, we would not likely be able to afford our own place in the GTA.  But we do have all those tremendously weighty extra expenses.  It is by God's grace that we aren't completely sunk financially.  That is why we are in a basement apartment.  Now consider my fatigue, my pain, my condition which continues to plummet.  Probably the one most important thing for me at this time is getting enough sleep.  Sadly, insomnia also comes with Lyme.  It used to be I could sleep through noise.  Now, even a pin drop wakes me up (and that's with ear plugs!!!).  Our landlords are gracious people, but they need to live upstairs.  This means no sleep for me.  It's getting better at night, but that does mean when my Lyme insomnia keeps me awake at night as it frequently does, I don't have the freedom to sleep at all during the day...no matter how often I try...and I try every day.  Today I feel especially sick, nausea seeming to flood through my veins, even my limbs (don't ask how that's possible).  But in these moments when I most need sleep, desperately need sleep, I am trapped in a basement apartment where sleep is not possible.  I don't have the freedom to sleep.  Such a basic freedom, but it illudes me.

And this is where envy enters.  So you see, my envy is not so much a matter of wanting bigger and better.  It's a matter of being desperate for a basic need, as important as food itself.  In these moments I am flooded with desire for my own house - a house because I can make a little sleep cave free from noise for myself more effectively in a house than in a condo or townhouse.  Then rushing into my mind are thoughts of all those friends who have houses, but have the health to sustain them to live in an apartment such as mine.  I want to want their houses.  I ask God why those who really need such things are denied.  I consider all the others like me who are sick.  They are too sick to work, too sick to get treatments they need, too sick to even have a place conducive to healing.  It's a vicious circle.  We are sick, thus financially strapped, and thus unable to afford what we need to get better so we get even sicker.  I just want to live!  But sickness = getting sicker. 

I am obviously very happy for any of my friends who are able to afford such blessings.  But I have to confess that it is a struggle, because I see so clearly how much improvement I could enjoy if I just had something as simple as freedom to sleep.  God has been gracious, and my landlords will be going to Australia for several months come September.  I just have to somehow survive 2 more months.  But ever present in my mind are those who do not enjoy such hope...they are stuck, and their health is declining faster than ever.  Please pray for us, pray for our hearts, as we are incredibly physically weak and ripe for temptation.  We desire to honour God and learn contentment, but the road ahead seems nearly impossible.