Yearning for God, but Afraid to Trust Him

I recently read through some of the Psalms.  I was especially taken with Psalm 40, 42 and 91.  It is amazing how well they speak of how I feel and what I am experiencing with my current struggles with Lyme Disease.  I feel attacked on all sides, betrayed, vulnerable.  It is wonderful to have such comfort from God, to read that He is my fortress and my salvation.  Reading these Psalms brings to my mind memories of sweet times in the past I have spent with Him.  I can honestly say that the very best times of my life have been the times I have spent with God - playing the piano, praying on a mountain or on a farm in the city or by the water, praising Him along with others, or sharing with others of His goodness.  Nothing on earth can possibly compare to these precious moments I have had with my Lord.

However, as I read these beautiful Psalms, and longed for those sweet times of old, something in my heart was distant from God.  I realised something has changed, and now I am afraid to trust God.  I have suffered such intense pain, such brutal terrors of night, such loneliness, helplessness and day after day of more and more disability.  In those days I have prayed to God, pleading for grace, for a little relief, or if nothing else, at least that small whisper of love only He is able to give.  I heard nothing.  And now I wonder if I am rejected, lost to God.  Please don't misunderstand, I do appreciate those blessings of 'common grace' I know He bestows.  I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me lovingly and faithfully.  I have a beautiful healthy daughter who has been a happy and easy baby.  Although we do struggle financially, we have not yet been completely sunk.  And in the last couple months much help has been provided.  I know God has been good to me though I suffer.  Furthermore, I do not want to doubt God.  Every day I seek Him.  Every day I yearn for those sweet days of old.  I want renewed to me the joy of my salvation.  It's just that my heart is scared.  I poured out my soul to God, I sought Him with tears, and that simple request, that longing just for a whisper of love was denied.  I am hurt.  I am confused.  I am finding it difficult to reconcile why God remained distant during my most desperate hours.  I can cry with the Psalmist 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me!' 

As Christians, we have a lot mixed up.  For some reason we forget all those warnings of suffering in Scripture.  And in the midst of our suffering, we forget all the beautiful passages which describe how suffering is used to make us more into the image of Christ.  So although my heart is having difficulty trusting God, I will continue to pursue Him, and ask Him to know my frame and understand that I am but dust.  I will plead with Him day after day to teach my heart to trust Him until I one day enjoy those sweet times of fellowship with Him again.