Lyme disease is a terrible disease. It causes havoc in the body you don't want to even imagine. It threatens even one's sanity, as pain, neurological damage, insomnia, and all kinds of other bodily dysfunction invade every moment of life. It is even more terrible because it is largely misunderstood and unknown. Although in many ways it would be preferable to have cancer, cancer patients get a lot more compassion, help and medical support. I have a friend recently diagnosed with cancer, and she came to visit me and was horrified by how disabled I have become. She said she is doing much better than I.
As I live from day to day, I am seeking grace from God to accept this disease and its damage on my life. I am seeking to be content with my circumstances, and thankful for the opportunity to grow in faith. However, this is a war like none other. Despair, envy, fear, anger, and a slew of other emotions wage war in my heart and mind. Today, my struggle is with envy. I have to fight, but I have so little strength, and I feel so sick (nauseous, all encompassing pain all over, weakness, etc.) it feels nearly impossible.
Why envy? Perhaps it is obvious to you, perhaps not. If you have ever suffered, you might understand. I live in a basement apartment. We are very thankful for this spacious place God has provided us with. However, we are financially tremendously burdened. Both Sony and I have jobs that are not as prosperous as some. Now I am unable to work. Even without all the added extra expenses we incur due to my illness, we would not likely be able to afford our own place in the GTA. But we do have all those tremendously weighty extra expenses. It is by God's grace that we aren't completely sunk financially. That is why we are in a basement apartment. Now consider my fatigue, my pain, my condition which continues to plummet. Probably the one most important thing for me at this time is getting enough sleep. Sadly, insomnia also comes with Lyme. It used to be I could sleep through noise. Now, even a pin drop wakes me up (and that's with ear plugs!!!). Our landlords are gracious people, but they need to live upstairs. This means no sleep for me. It's getting better at night, but that does mean when my Lyme insomnia keeps me awake at night as it frequently does, I don't have the freedom to sleep at all during the day...no matter how often I try...and I try every day. Today I feel especially sick, nausea seeming to flood through my veins, even my limbs (don't ask how that's possible). But in these moments when I most need sleep, desperately need sleep, I am trapped in a basement apartment where sleep is not possible. I don't have the freedom to sleep. Such a basic freedom, but it illudes me.
And this is where envy enters. So you see, my envy is not so much a matter of wanting bigger and better. It's a matter of being desperate for a basic need, as important as food itself. In these moments I am flooded with desire for my own house - a house because I can make a little sleep cave free from noise for myself more effectively in a house than in a condo or townhouse. Then rushing into my mind are thoughts of all those friends who have houses, but have the health to sustain them to live in an apartment such as mine. I want to want their houses. I ask God why those who really need such things are denied. I consider all the others like me who are sick. They are too sick to work, too sick to get treatments they need, too sick to even have a place conducive to healing. It's a vicious circle. We are sick, thus financially strapped, and thus unable to afford what we need to get better so we get even sicker. I just want to live! But sickness = getting sicker.
I am obviously very happy for any of my friends who are able to afford such blessings. But I have to confess that it is a struggle, because I see so clearly how much improvement I could enjoy if I just had something as simple as freedom to sleep. God has been gracious, and my landlords will be going to Australia for several months come September. I just have to somehow survive 2 more months. But ever present in my mind are those who do not enjoy such hope...they are stuck, and their health is declining faster than ever. Please pray for us, pray for our hearts, as we are incredibly physically weak and ripe for temptation. We desire to honour God and learn contentment, but the road ahead seems nearly impossible.
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