I am sitting on my couch, looking out over my messy living room (which is nothing compared to the state of the rest of my basement apartment) and I am feeling completely bewildered and helpless. Although it may not seem like it, I am struggling to bring words to mind and get them typed onto the screen. I had a rough night because it took a while to get to sleep and I'm now paying severe consequences. I feel the weight of gravity and the weight of my own fatigue pressing down on me, so that it is even hard to breathe.
I have been in a sorrowful mood since Sunday. We arrived back from a wonderful but far too short vacation late on Saturday night. Although I was exhausted and my body all stiff and sore from the long drive, I was eagerly anticipating the Sunday morning service. I love going to church, to be with God's people and hear from God's Word. God is radiant in glory, power and love and I delight to spend time with those who belong to Him and reflect His beauty. I also delight to hear from God's Word, so that I can learn in awe more of Him, as well as become more like Him.
I managed to get myself into the van that morning, even early enough to get to church on time. Mornings can be rather traumatizing for my weary body, and to say it can be difficult to get it moving is an understatement. About 3 minutes into the trip, the stabbing, gut-wrenching pain began. I figured it would linger only as long as I was riding in the van. I arrived at church, eager for the opportunity to talk with members of the congregation, and hopefully have opportunity to get to know them more. We are new at the church, and with my health being so bad, it has been difficult to get to know people. But as I walked through the doors of the gym, the pain became blinding. This pain was centred in my neck, but setting off the fiery inflammation throughout the rest of my body. I looked longingly over at the people across the room, wishing I could somehow manage the strength to get up and make my way over to engage in conversation. I had no success. A couple people stopped by my chair and spoke with me, but the pain, and now the fatigue was overwhelming my thought processes so that I found it difficult to communicate. I think I managed to say something, but definitely failed to say what I wanted. The service began, and this is when the pain became nauseating. I somehow managed to make it back and forth to the washroom a couple times. The sermon started. My chair was uncomfortable, and I thought maybe being on the floor would help. My stomach still seemed to be swelling upwards. At this point, in shame at my obvious weakness, I left and found a seat outside against a tree so that I would not disturb anyone with my cries of anquish. After half an hour or more the cold became unbearable and I needed to go back into the service and get the keys to my van. I was rescued by a dear woman who came and sat with me and rubbed my back to diminish some of the pain. After the service, my husband took me directly home, where I have been trying to recover the rest of the week.
I share this because I would like others to understand the world that sufferers live in. It's terrifying for me to expose these things. I am afraid of being judged, misunderstood, rejected, and a number of other things. The weakness of my body makes it more difficult to maintain rationality and composure. I am lonely, having to spend the week alone, somehow trying to meet the needs of my 14 month old daughter. I receive little communication from the outside world. My family live too far away to be able to help consistently. I desire to rejoice in my trials, but I struggle. I am often disgusted with myself and my limitations - being unable to clean, exercise, be reasonable, serve my community, be a good mother, etc. I seek to spend time every day with my Lord, but mentally and physically this can be very difficult, and thus frustrating. I seek to be thankful, but more burdens press down on me, and it can be far too easy to become discouraged.
The more I suffer, the more I understand what others experience when they suffer. My longing is that we would extract ourselves from the busyness of life, and love each other more by ministering to the needs of those who are struggling in our communities. If the Lord ever gives me my health back, I hope He will enable me to be a rich blessing to those in need. In the meantime, please let me know how I can be praying for you. I have some time on my hands and am happy to bring my friends before the Lord in prayer.
May God be merciful to us, and help us to press on and give Him glory.
Friday, 30 September 2011
Monday, 26 September 2011
Fragrances
As a child, I thought perfumes and other scented products were lovely. I loved going into candle stores and smelling all the different scents they could make. I loved going to the perfume aisle and breathing in all the lovely fragrances. I naively believed the romantic thought that they were made from flowers and essential oils. When I smelled the apple cinnamon candles, I thought it actually contained apples and cinnamon. I remember especially being delighted with the thought of all the flowers used to make my favourite perfumes...I even thought it would be a great career to be the one creating and designing fragrances from God's creation.
As I grew older, I started developing a headache whenever I passed by a perfume store. Shortly thereafter, I wasn't even able to go into those quaint little candle shops anymore.
This year, I get incredibly sick in homes with air fresheners and certain scented bath products (Old Spice body wash kills me). Intense pain overcomes me, I am nauseated, get headaches, and even my throat begins to swell, making it hard for me to breathe. My doctor has recently prescribed me a puffer so that I can breathe when I encounter situations where I cannot get away from particular scents that give me too much trouble.
My reactions are nothing compared to what some of my friends go through. They are not even able to participate in church because they are so 'allergic' to the fragrances people in the congregation wear. They have to sit in a separate room, or not go to church at all. They are not able to work in most workplaces. They are not able to easily go to the mall or any other public function. They develop very severe migraines and severe breathing problems.
My romantic notions of 'scents' have been shattered, and now I realise these fragrances are not made from flowers and essential oils, but are made from several harmful chemicals. These chemicals are no better and no safer than those chemicals in cigarettes. Therefore, I ask you to consider using scent-free products, so that you do not harm yourselves, and so that you do not harm people like me who get very sick because of them. There is growing demand for scent-free products, so you can find these items marked 'unscented' or 'fragrance free' in your local grocery store and pharmacies, as well as at health stores.
Products to avoid because they contain parfum (harmful chemicals) are:
I encourage you to love others by not using products that are harmful to their health. I encourage you to act wisely on your own behalf and not use products that are harmful to your health and the health of your family. These products are especially dangerous to young children. Please refrain from using scented products!!!
Please read the following article by David Suzuki for more information:
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/what-you-can-do/green-your-workplace/go-fragrance-free/
Thank you for your kind consideration of this important matter.
As I grew older, I started developing a headache whenever I passed by a perfume store. Shortly thereafter, I wasn't even able to go into those quaint little candle shops anymore.
This year, I get incredibly sick in homes with air fresheners and certain scented bath products (Old Spice body wash kills me). Intense pain overcomes me, I am nauseated, get headaches, and even my throat begins to swell, making it hard for me to breathe. My doctor has recently prescribed me a puffer so that I can breathe when I encounter situations where I cannot get away from particular scents that give me too much trouble.
My reactions are nothing compared to what some of my friends go through. They are not even able to participate in church because they are so 'allergic' to the fragrances people in the congregation wear. They have to sit in a separate room, or not go to church at all. They are not able to work in most workplaces. They are not able to easily go to the mall or any other public function. They develop very severe migraines and severe breathing problems.
My romantic notions of 'scents' have been shattered, and now I realise these fragrances are not made from flowers and essential oils, but are made from several harmful chemicals. These chemicals are no better and no safer than those chemicals in cigarettes. Therefore, I ask you to consider using scent-free products, so that you do not harm yourselves, and so that you do not harm people like me who get very sick because of them. There is growing demand for scent-free products, so you can find these items marked 'unscented' or 'fragrance free' in your local grocery store and pharmacies, as well as at health stores.
Products to avoid because they contain parfum (harmful chemicals) are:
- perfume, cologne, aftershave
- shampoo, conditioner, soap, body wash, body lotion, deoderants and other body and hair products
- nail polish and remover
- laundry detergent and dryer sheets (these can cause the most severe reactions)
- febreze, air fresheners (one of my doctors refers to these as pure poison)
- candles, potpourri, incense, etc.
- household cleaning products - dish soap, window and surface cleaners, all purpose cleaners, etc.
I encourage you to love others by not using products that are harmful to their health. I encourage you to act wisely on your own behalf and not use products that are harmful to your health and the health of your family. These products are especially dangerous to young children. Please refrain from using scented products!!!
Please read the following article by David Suzuki for more information:
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/what-you-can-do/green-your-workplace/go-fragrance-free/
Thank you for your kind consideration of this important matter.
Friday, 9 September 2011
My Lyme Diseae Treatment
Many people have been asking me what my treatment is and how it is going. I thought I would attempt an explanation here, though it is rather complicated.
- I am seeing my family doctor very frequently to get sleep support. Insomnia plagues many with Lyme Diseae. I have tried every natural sleep therapy and supplement I can, and nothing has worked. I've heard one doctor describe sleep as nature's nurse. There is little hope of improving my health if I am not sleeping, and actually my health takes a very drastic dive when I lack sleep. This means I am taking some sleep medications until I can teach my body to sleep on its own.
- I am awaiting appointments with an Infectious Disease Specialist as well as an Environmental Health Speciacalist in order to delve deeper into what is happening in my body.
- I am receiving gentle detox protocols from a doctor in order to try to eliminate heavy metal poisoning from my body. These are supplements that I take.
- I am receiving acupuncture, massage therapy, chiropractic care and naturopathic care to help me cope with all the varying symptoms (intense pain, debilitating fatigue and weakness, emotional fragility, etc).
- My primary treatment is the most complicated to explain. In order to kill the Lyme Bacteria, I am being treated with a Bicom machine, a technology from Germany, which is energy therapy. Basically, the Bicom Machine is able to reverse the energy imprint of the Lyme bacteria in my body. When that energy imprint is reversed, the environment in my body becomes impossible for the bacteria to survive in. In my research, I have found that this seems to be the most effective and safest way to treat Lyme Disease. The typical way to treat it is with long term antibiotics (for up to 3-4 years or more). Taking this many antibiotics can be quite dangerous, and still not be very effective. Lyme bacteria is a spirochete (like the Syphilis bacteria) and it also has a biofilm which allows it hide in the body undetected...even when attacked by antibiotics. This bacteria has become more and more resistant. So this is why I have chosen the Bicom therapy. Every three weeks I go to the clinic and sit in a comfortable chair for 2-3 hours. I sit against a pad that is connected to the Bicom Machine, and it does its work. I feel slightly groggy and a little funny during the treatment, but other than that nothing crazy happens. Usually I am quite tired for the next three days after a treatment. I have experienced great improvements already because of this therapy. For a while my stomach got to be so sensitive it hurt to eat carrots. I didn't know what to eat anymore. Because of these therapies I am able to eat a lot more variety of food. I am also very slowly increasing in energy. I pray that God will hear my prayers and use this device to completely heal me.
Thursday, 8 September 2011
In Memory of Sweet Sarah Nell
The Lord has been pleased to take home to His side my sweet friend Sarah Nell. She passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago, her funeral was just this past Saturday. She was just a little older than I. She leaves behind a husband, they had been married only one year. She also leaves behind her parents, she was an only child.
Sarah came into my life 8 years ago. I don't know where to begin to describe how lovely she was, or what an impact she had on my life. I was counseling/mentoring/discipling young women at His Mansion in New Hampshire. I went there to counsel, but was incredibly frail and weak and foolish. One of the first things we were told was that the only difference between those of us who had come to counsel and help and those of us who came to get cousel and help was the application form we filled out. I felt the truth of this to my core, and on several occasions seriously considered signing up to get the help, rather than give it. Anyway, it was in this context that I met Sarah. This young lady was assigned to me - I was supposed to oversee her spiritual growth for the next several months. She lived in my room (on the bunk above me), we ate together, worked together, suffered together, laughed together, struggled together, etc. I poured out my heart for Sarah (as I did for all my 4 girls) and sought to love her by pointing her to the hope of the gospel in Jesus Christ. She had many things to overcome in her faith. But I was very humbled by her. God had already been doing a special work in her heart, and there was such a sweetness in her soul. She came determined to learn as much as she could about God and how to serve Him. This fervency I have seen in very few people. She was incredibly humble, and received counsel with an open and eager heart. I can't say that my soul is as sweet and loving as hers. I can't say I am as humble and willing to hear rebuke as her. Having that precious privilege of watching her press in to know God and be transformed by Him taught me more than Seminary ever could. I learned from her humility. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Like all of us, Sarah has probably had several ups and downs in the last 8 years. But I know in the end she greatly loved her Lord, and desired to give her life to Him. She had a serious leg injury, and for a while was unable to function physically. She told me should would often lay in bed and pray to God "You got this? I get it." Sarah submitted to the life God had alotted to her, even in the face of physical pain and disability. As I struggle with my own physical limitations, I wish I were more like Sarah and better able to accept from God's hand the suffering He allows in my life.
I wish I had words to express what a beautiful woman this dear friend of mine was. I pray that her testimony would live on, and that those who have been left behind would seek to be humble and flee from pride. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Farewell, sweet Sarah Nell. I look forward to meeting again, in the shelter of our Saviour's arms, where I will see your face reflecting the glory of Christ. Farewell.
Sarah came into my life 8 years ago. I don't know where to begin to describe how lovely she was, or what an impact she had on my life. I was counseling/mentoring/discipling young women at His Mansion in New Hampshire. I went there to counsel, but was incredibly frail and weak and foolish. One of the first things we were told was that the only difference between those of us who had come to counsel and help and those of us who came to get cousel and help was the application form we filled out. I felt the truth of this to my core, and on several occasions seriously considered signing up to get the help, rather than give it. Anyway, it was in this context that I met Sarah. This young lady was assigned to me - I was supposed to oversee her spiritual growth for the next several months. She lived in my room (on the bunk above me), we ate together, worked together, suffered together, laughed together, struggled together, etc. I poured out my heart for Sarah (as I did for all my 4 girls) and sought to love her by pointing her to the hope of the gospel in Jesus Christ. She had many things to overcome in her faith. But I was very humbled by her. God had already been doing a special work in her heart, and there was such a sweetness in her soul. She came determined to learn as much as she could about God and how to serve Him. This fervency I have seen in very few people. She was incredibly humble, and received counsel with an open and eager heart. I can't say that my soul is as sweet and loving as hers. I can't say I am as humble and willing to hear rebuke as her. Having that precious privilege of watching her press in to know God and be transformed by Him taught me more than Seminary ever could. I learned from her humility. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Like all of us, Sarah has probably had several ups and downs in the last 8 years. But I know in the end she greatly loved her Lord, and desired to give her life to Him. She had a serious leg injury, and for a while was unable to function physically. She told me should would often lay in bed and pray to God "You got this? I get it." Sarah submitted to the life God had alotted to her, even in the face of physical pain and disability. As I struggle with my own physical limitations, I wish I were more like Sarah and better able to accept from God's hand the suffering He allows in my life.
I wish I had words to express what a beautiful woman this dear friend of mine was. I pray that her testimony would live on, and that those who have been left behind would seek to be humble and flee from pride. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Farewell, sweet Sarah Nell. I look forward to meeting again, in the shelter of our Saviour's arms, where I will see your face reflecting the glory of Christ. Farewell.
Just Human
I'm learning there is much grace in having Lyme Disease. This disease keeps me vulnerable, frail, foolish, and broken. I can't lead that pristine polished picture of Christian life, where every wayward inclination, messy vulnerable emotion is hidden away into the deep recesses of our closets. I don't have the luxury of easily deceiving myself with self-righteous indignation that I am above reproach, worthy of respect and one who cannot be knocked off their pedestal. I am not trying to imply that most Christians are guilty of this. But there does seem to be a temptation to hide our messy humanity under the carpet, and let everyone believe we've got it altogether.
My pride has suffered several blows, especially in the last few months, as my emotional instability, follies, insecurities, etc have been exposed for everyone to see. These are things I'd prefer to keep hidden. I would like people to think I am strong and a mature woman of God. Instead I have come tumbling off my pedestal numerous times, and at this point realise that as long as any one puts me up on a pedestal, I will inevitably fall off. But PRAISE GOD!!! I am glad that my weaknesses can be exposed to all, so that God's strength will be glorified. I am glad that I am forced to learn I am but dust and my absolute need of my Saviour Jesus Christ. I am glad that I will inevitably fail anyone who tries to put their hope in me so that they can turn to Jesus Christ who never fails.
My pride has suffered several blows, especially in the last few months, as my emotional instability, follies, insecurities, etc have been exposed for everyone to see. These are things I'd prefer to keep hidden. I would like people to think I am strong and a mature woman of God. Instead I have come tumbling off my pedestal numerous times, and at this point realise that as long as any one puts me up on a pedestal, I will inevitably fall off. But PRAISE GOD!!! I am glad that my weaknesses can be exposed to all, so that God's strength will be glorified. I am glad that I am forced to learn I am but dust and my absolute need of my Saviour Jesus Christ. I am glad that I will inevitably fail anyone who tries to put their hope in me so that they can turn to Jesus Christ who never fails.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Learning Joy in Suffering
Just when I thought I could not bare any further suffering, this past week brought deep emotional pain. A loved one desperately hurt me. I thought it was the last straw. I was already getting no sleep, already fearfully agonized with pain, already laden down with cares. I seriously thought God desired to crush me.
What I have learned is that God, in His mercy, did desire to crush me...to crush my sinful nature and continue His work to make me more like Christ. In the midst of this very painful refining time, where God burned away more and more of my selfishness and sin, God gave me much grace. He gave me one friend in particular who held my hand through the week so I wouldn't sink utterly into despair. He gave different pastors to speak truth, hard truth, but loving truth to my heart so I might press on in my faith. He gave other friends to pray with me and weep with me. I have learned I am not utterly abandoned. God has bestowed much grace.
Lessons of Joy I am Learning in the Midst of these Sufferings:
What I have learned is that God, in His mercy, did desire to crush me...to crush my sinful nature and continue His work to make me more like Christ. In the midst of this very painful refining time, where God burned away more and more of my selfishness and sin, God gave me much grace. He gave me one friend in particular who held my hand through the week so I wouldn't sink utterly into despair. He gave different pastors to speak truth, hard truth, but loving truth to my heart so I might press on in my faith. He gave other friends to pray with me and weep with me. I have learned I am not utterly abandoned. God has bestowed much grace.
Lessons of Joy I am Learning in the Midst of these Sufferings:
- It is far better to suffer and die to self than to live in comfort and continue to live for self. I wanted happiness. I wanted to live happily with my family, aquire a small home, live in close knit community with my church, offer my gifts up to God, be hospitable, travel in order to enjoy God's creation, etc. I wasn't seeking riches, fame, or evil things. I was seeking good things, but God placed in my life the great discomfort of physical and emotional pain to teach me to yearn for Him first and foremost. Anything that is treasured more than God is idolatry. And those idols are empty. The joy of life, true joy, comes only through God. We must always delight first in the Creator, not first in the gifts of His creation.
- As I learn to love with the grace of Christ, forgiving and blessing those who hurt me as Christ has forgiven me, I learn all the more the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me on the cross. He bore my shame, He bore the wrath of God for my sake, although I was seeking anything but Him and although I continue to sin against Him. Jesus Christ's love for me has come at great cost, it has been given to me at the cost of His very life. I can rejoice in the pain of loving those who hurt me most because then I see ever more clearly what love Christ has for me.
- Every added pain, every added sickness, every added loss makes me vividly aware that I am just passing through on this earth. My home is in heaven. My love for the world grows less, and my anticipation to see Christ face to face grows more intense.
Friday, 15 July 2011
Yearning for God, but Afraid to Trust Him
I recently read through some of the Psalms. I was especially taken with Psalm 40, 42 and 91. It is amazing how well they speak of how I feel and what I am experiencing with my current struggles with Lyme Disease. I feel attacked on all sides, betrayed, vulnerable. It is wonderful to have such comfort from God, to read that He is my fortress and my salvation. Reading these Psalms brings to my mind memories of sweet times in the past I have spent with Him. I can honestly say that the very best times of my life have been the times I have spent with God - playing the piano, praying on a mountain or on a farm in the city or by the water, praising Him along with others, or sharing with others of His goodness. Nothing on earth can possibly compare to these precious moments I have had with my Lord.
However, as I read these beautiful Psalms, and longed for those sweet times of old, something in my heart was distant from God. I realised something has changed, and now I am afraid to trust God. I have suffered such intense pain, such brutal terrors of night, such loneliness, helplessness and day after day of more and more disability. In those days I have prayed to God, pleading for grace, for a little relief, or if nothing else, at least that small whisper of love only He is able to give. I heard nothing. And now I wonder if I am rejected, lost to God. Please don't misunderstand, I do appreciate those blessings of 'common grace' I know He bestows. I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me lovingly and faithfully. I have a beautiful healthy daughter who has been a happy and easy baby. Although we do struggle financially, we have not yet been completely sunk. And in the last couple months much help has been provided. I know God has been good to me though I suffer. Furthermore, I do not want to doubt God. Every day I seek Him. Every day I yearn for those sweet days of old. I want renewed to me the joy of my salvation. It's just that my heart is scared. I poured out my soul to God, I sought Him with tears, and that simple request, that longing just for a whisper of love was denied. I am hurt. I am confused. I am finding it difficult to reconcile why God remained distant during my most desperate hours. I can cry with the Psalmist 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me!'
As Christians, we have a lot mixed up. For some reason we forget all those warnings of suffering in Scripture. And in the midst of our suffering, we forget all the beautiful passages which describe how suffering is used to make us more into the image of Christ. So although my heart is having difficulty trusting God, I will continue to pursue Him, and ask Him to know my frame and understand that I am but dust. I will plead with Him day after day to teach my heart to trust Him until I one day enjoy those sweet times of fellowship with Him again.
However, as I read these beautiful Psalms, and longed for those sweet times of old, something in my heart was distant from God. I realised something has changed, and now I am afraid to trust God. I have suffered such intense pain, such brutal terrors of night, such loneliness, helplessness and day after day of more and more disability. In those days I have prayed to God, pleading for grace, for a little relief, or if nothing else, at least that small whisper of love only He is able to give. I heard nothing. And now I wonder if I am rejected, lost to God. Please don't misunderstand, I do appreciate those blessings of 'common grace' I know He bestows. I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me lovingly and faithfully. I have a beautiful healthy daughter who has been a happy and easy baby. Although we do struggle financially, we have not yet been completely sunk. And in the last couple months much help has been provided. I know God has been good to me though I suffer. Furthermore, I do not want to doubt God. Every day I seek Him. Every day I yearn for those sweet days of old. I want renewed to me the joy of my salvation. It's just that my heart is scared. I poured out my soul to God, I sought Him with tears, and that simple request, that longing just for a whisper of love was denied. I am hurt. I am confused. I am finding it difficult to reconcile why God remained distant during my most desperate hours. I can cry with the Psalmist 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me!'
As Christians, we have a lot mixed up. For some reason we forget all those warnings of suffering in Scripture. And in the midst of our suffering, we forget all the beautiful passages which describe how suffering is used to make us more into the image of Christ. So although my heart is having difficulty trusting God, I will continue to pursue Him, and ask Him to know my frame and understand that I am but dust. I will plead with Him day after day to teach my heart to trust Him until I one day enjoy those sweet times of fellowship with Him again.
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