Fragrances

As a child, I thought perfumes and other scented products were lovely.  I loved going into candle stores and smelling all the different scents they could make.  I loved going to the perfume aisle and breathing in all the lovely fragrances.  I naively believed the romantic thought that they were made from flowers and essential oils.  When I smelled the apple cinnamon candles, I thought it actually contained apples and cinnamon.  I remember especially being delighted with the thought of all the flowers used to make my favourite perfumes...I even thought it would be a great career to be the one creating and designing fragrances from God's creation.

As I grew older, I started developing a headache whenever I passed by a perfume store.  Shortly thereafter, I wasn't even able to go into those quaint little candle shops anymore. 

This year, I get incredibly sick in homes with air fresheners and certain scented bath products (Old Spice body wash kills me).  Intense pain overcomes me, I am nauseated, get headaches, and even my throat begins to swell, making it hard for me to breathe.  My doctor has recently prescribed me a puffer so that I can breathe when I encounter situations where I cannot get away from particular scents that give me too much trouble.

My reactions are nothing compared to what some of my friends go through.  They are not even able to participate in church because they are so 'allergic' to the fragrances people in the congregation wear.  They have to sit in a separate room, or not go to church at all.  They are not able to work in most workplaces.  They are not able to easily go to the mall or any other public function.  They develop very severe migraines and severe breathing problems. 

My romantic notions of 'scents' have been shattered, and now I realise these fragrances are not made from flowers and essential oils, but are made from several harmful chemicals.  These chemicals are no better and no safer than those chemicals in cigarettes.  Therefore, I ask you to consider using scent-free products, so that you do not harm yourselves, and so that you do not harm people like me who get very sick because of them.  There is growing demand for scent-free products, so you can find these items marked 'unscented' or 'fragrance free' in your local grocery store and pharmacies, as well as at health stores.

Products to avoid because they contain parfum (harmful chemicals) are:

• perfume, cologne, aftershave
• shampoo, conditioner, soap, body wash, body lotion, deoderants and other body and hair products
• nail polish and remover
• laundry detergent and dryer sheets (these can cause the most severe reactions)
• febreze, air fresheners (one of my doctors refers to these as pure poison)
• candles, potpourri, incense, etc.
• household cleaning products - dish soap, window and surface cleaners, all purpose cleaners, etc.

I actually gave up using scented products several years ago after living with someone for a couple months who had a severe allergy to these chemicals.  I saw how much physical pain she suffered.  I also saw the emotional pain she suffered.  She wanted to develop friendships, but couldn't even get close to anyone who was wearing something with a fragrance.  She felt lonely and isolated.  I am beginning to understand now how she felt, as my own allergies worsen, and am forced to keep my distance from certain people wearing strong fragrances.  

I encourage you to love others by not using products that are harmful to their health.  I encourage you to act wisely on your own behalf and not use products that are harmful to your health and the health of your family.  These products are especially dangerous to young children.  Please refrain from using scented products!!!

Please read the following article by David Suzuki for more information:
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/what-you-can-do/green-your-workplace/go-fragrance-free/

Thank you for your kind consideration of this important matter.

My Lyme Diseae Treatment

Many people have been asking me what my treatment is and how it is going.  I thought I would attempt an explanation here, though it is rather complicated.

1. I am seeing my family doctor very frequently to get sleep support.  Insomnia plagues many with Lyme Diseae.  I have tried every natural sleep therapy and supplement I can, and nothing has worked.  I've heard one doctor describe sleep as nature's nurse.  There is little hope of improving my health if I am not sleeping, and actually my health takes a very drastic dive when I lack sleep.  This means I am taking some sleep medications until I can teach my body to sleep on its own.
2. I am awaiting appointments with an Infectious Disease Specialist as well as an Environmental Health Speciacalist in order to delve deeper into what is happening in my body.
3. I am receiving gentle detox protocols from a doctor in order to try to eliminate heavy metal poisoning from my body.  These are supplements that I take. 
4. I am receiving acupuncture, massage therapy, chiropractic care and naturopathic care to help me cope with all the varying symptoms (intense pain, debilitating fatigue and weakness, emotional fragility, etc).
5. My primary treatment is the most complicated to explain.  In order to kill the Lyme Bacteria, I am being treated with a Bicom machine, a technology from Germany, which is energy therapy. Basically, the Bicom Machine is able to reverse the energy imprint of the Lyme bacteria in my body.  When that energy imprint is reversed, the environment in my body becomes impossible for the bacteria to survive in.  In my research, I have found that this seems to be the most effective and safest way to treat Lyme Disease.  The typical way to treat it is with long term antibiotics (for up to 3-4 years or more).  Taking this many antibiotics can be quite dangerous, and still not be very effective.  Lyme bacteria is a spirochete (like the Syphilis bacteria) and it also has a biofilm which allows it hide in the body undetected...even when attacked by antibiotics.  This bacteria has become more and more resistant.  So this is why I have chosen the Bicom therapy.  Every three weeks I go to the clinic and sit in a comfortable chair for 2-3 hours.  I sit against a pad that is connected to the Bicom Machine, and it does its work.  I feel slightly groggy and a little funny during the treatment, but other than that nothing crazy happens.  Usually I am quite tired for the next three days after a treatment.  I have experienced great improvements already because of this therapy.  For a while my stomach got to be so sensitive it hurt to eat carrots.  I didn't know what to eat anymore.  Because of these therapies I am able to eat a lot more variety of food.  I am also very slowly increasing in energy.  I pray that God will hear my prayers and use this device to completely heal me.

In Memory of Sweet Sarah Nell

The Lord has been pleased to take home to His side my sweet friend Sarah Nell.  She passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago, her funeral was just this past Saturday.  She was just a little older than I.  She leaves behind a husband, they had been married only one year.  She also leaves behind her parents, she was an only child. 

Sarah came into my life 8 years ago.  I don't know where to begin to describe how lovely she was, or what an impact she had on my life.  I was counseling/mentoring/discipling young women at His Mansion in New Hampshire.  I went there to counsel, but was incredibly frail and weak and foolish.  One of the first things we were told was that the only difference between those of us who had come to counsel and help and those of us who came to get cousel and help was the application form we filled out.  I felt the truth of this to my core, and on several occasions seriously considered signing up to get the help, rather than give it.  Anyway, it was in this context that I met Sarah.  This young lady was assigned to me - I was supposed to oversee her spiritual growth for the next several months.  She lived in my room (on the bunk above me), we ate together, worked together, suffered together, laughed together, struggled together, etc. I poured out my heart for Sarah (as I did for all my 4 girls) and sought to love her by pointing her to the hope of the gospel in Jesus Christ.  She had many things to overcome in her faith.  But I was very humbled by her.  God had already been doing a special work in her heart, and there was such a sweetness in her soul.  She came determined to learn as much as she could about God and how to serve Him.  This fervency I have seen in very few people.  She was incredibly humble, and received counsel with an open and eager heart.  I can't say that my soul is as sweet and loving as hers.  I can't say I am as humble and willing to hear rebuke as her.  Having that precious privilege of watching her press in to know God and be transformed by Him taught me more than Seminary ever could.  I learned from her humility.  God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. 

Like all of us, Sarah has probably had several ups and downs in the last 8 years.  But I know in the end she greatly loved her Lord, and desired to give her life to Him.  She had a serious leg injury, and for a while was unable to function physically.  She told me should would often lay in bed and pray to God "You got this?  I get it."  Sarah submitted to the life God had alotted to her, even in the face of physical pain and disability.  As I struggle with my own physical limitations, I wish I were more like Sarah and better able to accept from God's hand the suffering He allows in my life.

I wish I had words to express what a beautiful woman this dear friend of mine was.  I pray that her testimony would live on, and that those who have been left behind would seek to be humble and flee from pride.  God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Farewell, sweet Sarah Nell.  I look forward to meeting again, in the shelter of our Saviour's arms, where I will see your face reflecting the glory of Christ.  Farewell.

Just Human

I'm learning there is much grace in having Lyme Disease.  This disease keeps me vulnerable, frail, foolish, and broken.  I can't lead that pristine polished picture of Christian life, where every wayward inclination, messy vulnerable emotion is hidden away into the deep recesses of our closets.  I don't have the luxury of easily deceiving myself with self-righteous indignation that I am above reproach, worthy of respect and one who cannot be knocked off their pedestal.  I am not trying to imply that most Christians are guilty of this.  But there does seem to be a temptation to hide our messy humanity under the carpet, and let everyone believe we've got it altogether.

My pride has suffered several blows, especially in the last few months, as my emotional instability, follies, insecurities, etc have been exposed for everyone to see.  These are things I'd prefer to keep hidden.  I would like people to think I am strong and a mature woman of God.  Instead I have come tumbling off my pedestal numerous times, and at this point realise that as long as any one puts me up on a pedestal, I will inevitably fall off.  But PRAISE GOD!!!  I am glad that my weaknesses can be exposed to all, so that God's strength will be glorified.  I am glad that I am forced to learn I am but dust and my absolute need of my Saviour Jesus Christ.  I am glad that I will inevitably fail anyone who tries to put their hope in me so that they can turn to Jesus Christ who never fails. 

Learning Joy in Suffering

Just when I thought I could not bare any further suffering, this past week brought deep emotional pain.  A loved one desperately hurt me.  I thought it was the last straw.  I was already getting no sleep, already fearfully agonized with pain, already laden down with cares.  I seriously thought God desired to crush me.

What I have learned is that God, in His mercy, did desire to crush me...to crush my sinful nature and continue His work to make me more like Christ.  In the midst of this very painful refining time, where God burned away more and more of my selfishness and sin, God gave me much grace.  He gave me one friend in particular who held my hand through the week so I wouldn't sink utterly into despair.  He gave different pastors to speak truth, hard truth, but loving truth to my heart so I might press on in my faith.  He gave other friends to pray with me and weep with me.  I have learned I am not utterly abandoned.  God has bestowed much grace.

Lessons of Joy I am Learning in the Midst of these Sufferings:

• It is far better to suffer and die to self than to live in comfort and continue to live for self.  I wanted happiness.  I wanted to live happily with my family, aquire a small home, live in close knit community with my church, offer my gifts up to God, be hospitable, travel in order to enjoy God's creation, etc.  I wasn't seeking riches, fame, or evil things.  I was seeking good things, but God placed in my life the great discomfort of physical and emotional pain to teach me to yearn for Him first and foremost.  Anything that is treasured more than God is idolatry.  And those idols are empty.  The joy of life, true joy, comes only through God.  We must always delight first in the Creator, not first in the gifts of His creation.
• As I learn to love with the grace of Christ, forgiving and blessing those who hurt me as Christ has forgiven me, I learn all the more the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me on the cross.  He bore my shame, He bore the wrath of God for my sake, although I was seeking anything but Him and although I continue to sin against Him.  Jesus Christ's love for me has come at great cost, it has been given to me at the cost of His very life.  I can rejoice in the pain of loving those who hurt me most because then I see ever more clearly what love Christ has for me.
• Every added pain, every added sickness, every added loss makes me vividly aware that I am just passing through on this earth.  My home is in heaven.  My love for the world grows less, and my anticipation to see Christ face to face grows more intense. 

At first glance, these lessons may not seem very joyful, but they are indeed!!!  Through these trials, God is revealing Himself to my heart, and nothing, absolutely nothing can compare to knowing Him.  Though it is difficult, I can say I rejoice in these trials because God has used them to show me Himself.  May He grant this bruised reed the grace to love Him.

Yearning for God, but Afraid to Trust Him

I recently read through some of the Psalms.  I was especially taken with Psalm 40, 42 and 91.  It is amazing how well they speak of how I feel and what I am experiencing with my current struggles with Lyme Disease.  I feel attacked on all sides, betrayed, vulnerable.  It is wonderful to have such comfort from God, to read that He is my fortress and my salvation.  Reading these Psalms brings to my mind memories of sweet times in the past I have spent with Him.  I can honestly say that the very best times of my life have been the times I have spent with God - playing the piano, praying on a mountain or on a farm in the city or by the water, praising Him along with others, or sharing with others of His goodness.  Nothing on earth can possibly compare to these precious moments I have had with my Lord.

However, as I read these beautiful Psalms, and longed for those sweet times of old, something in my heart was distant from God.  I realised something has changed, and now I am afraid to trust God.  I have suffered such intense pain, such brutal terrors of night, such loneliness, helplessness and day after day of more and more disability.  In those days I have prayed to God, pleading for grace, for a little relief, or if nothing else, at least that small whisper of love only He is able to give.  I heard nothing.  And now I wonder if I am rejected, lost to God.  Please don't misunderstand, I do appreciate those blessings of 'common grace' I know He bestows.  I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me lovingly and faithfully.  I have a beautiful healthy daughter who has been a happy and easy baby.  Although we do struggle financially, we have not yet been completely sunk.  And in the last couple months much help has been provided.  I know God has been good to me though I suffer.  Furthermore, I do not want to doubt God.  Every day I seek Him.  Every day I yearn for those sweet days of old.  I want renewed to me the joy of my salvation.  It's just that my heart is scared.  I poured out my soul to God, I sought Him with tears, and that simple request, that longing just for a whisper of love was denied.  I am hurt.  I am confused.  I am finding it difficult to reconcile why God remained distant during my most desperate hours.  I can cry with the Psalmist 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me!' 

As Christians, we have a lot mixed up.  For some reason we forget all those warnings of suffering in Scripture.  And in the midst of our suffering, we forget all the beautiful passages which describe how suffering is used to make us more into the image of Christ.  So although my heart is having difficulty trusting God, I will continue to pursue Him, and ask Him to know my frame and understand that I am but dust.  I will plead with Him day after day to teach my heart to trust Him until I one day enjoy those sweet times of fellowship with Him again.

Lyme and Struggles with Envy

Lyme disease is a terrible disease.  It causes havoc in the body you don't want to even imagine.  It threatens even one's sanity, as pain, neurological damage, insomnia, and all kinds of other bodily dysfunction invade every moment of life.  It is even more terrible because it is largely misunderstood and unknown.  Although in many ways it would be preferable to have cancer, cancer patients get a lot more compassion, help and medical support.  I have a friend recently diagnosed with cancer, and she came to visit me and was horrified by how disabled I have become.  She said she is doing much better than I.

As I live from day to day, I am seeking grace from God to accept this disease and its damage on my life.  I am seeking to be content with my circumstances, and thankful for the opportunity to grow in faith.  However, this is a war like none other.  Despair, envy, fear, anger, and a slew of other emotions wage war in my heart and mind.  Today, my struggle is with envy.  I have to fight, but I have so little strength, and I feel so sick (nauseous, all encompassing pain all over, weakness, etc.) it feels nearly impossible.

Why envy?  Perhaps it is obvious to you, perhaps not.  If you have ever suffered, you might understand.  I live in a basement apartment.  We are very thankful for this spacious place God has provided us with.  However, we are financially tremendously burdened.  Both Sony and I have jobs that are not as prosperous as some.  Now I am unable to work.  Even without all the added extra expenses we incur due to my illness, we would not likely be able to afford our own place in the GTA.  But we do have all those tremendously weighty extra expenses.  It is by God's grace that we aren't completely sunk financially.  That is why we are in a basement apartment.  Now consider my fatigue, my pain, my condition which continues to plummet.  Probably the one most important thing for me at this time is getting enough sleep.  Sadly, insomnia also comes with Lyme.  It used to be I could sleep through noise.  Now, even a pin drop wakes me up (and that's with ear plugs!!!).  Our landlords are gracious people, but they need to live upstairs.  This means no sleep for me.  It's getting better at night, but that does mean when my Lyme insomnia keeps me awake at night as it frequently does, I don't have the freedom to sleep at all during the day...no matter how often I try...and I try every day.  Today I feel especially sick, nausea seeming to flood through my veins, even my limbs (don't ask how that's possible).  But in these moments when I most need sleep, desperately need sleep, I am trapped in a basement apartment where sleep is not possible.  I don't have the freedom to sleep.  Such a basic freedom, but it illudes me.

And this is where envy enters.  So you see, my envy is not so much a matter of wanting bigger and better.  It's a matter of being desperate for a basic need, as important as food itself.  In these moments I am flooded with desire for my own house - a house because I can make a little sleep cave free from noise for myself more effectively in a house than in a condo or townhouse.  Then rushing into my mind are thoughts of all those friends who have houses, but have the health to sustain them to live in an apartment such as mine.  I want to want their houses.  I ask God why those who really need such things are denied.  I consider all the others like me who are sick.  They are too sick to work, too sick to get treatments they need, too sick to even have a place conducive to healing.  It's a vicious circle.  We are sick, thus financially strapped, and thus unable to afford what we need to get better so we get even sicker.  I just want to live!  But sickness = getting sicker. 

I am obviously very happy for any of my friends who are able to afford such blessings.  But I have to confess that it is a struggle, because I see so clearly how much improvement I could enjoy if I just had something as simple as freedom to sleep.  God has been gracious, and my landlords will be going to Australia for several months come September.  I just have to somehow survive 2 more months.  But ever present in my mind are those who do not enjoy such hope...they are stuck, and their health is declining faster than ever.  Please pray for us, pray for our hearts, as we are incredibly physically weak and ripe for temptation.  We desire to honour God and learn contentment, but the road ahead seems nearly impossible.